Patterns

So I have been talking to this guy.

I like this guy.  He's interesting, and funny, and very smart.  He moves me.

We've been having wonderful conversations via phone and text, sometimes lasting all day (the text ones, not the phone ones), and he says that he really likes me.

We haven't met in person yet as he lives in another city, but we are making plans to do so.

But I realized recently that I haven't been chatting with anyone else since he and I connected.  I just sort of stopped responding to the men who messaged me.

And that won't do.

I used to have a habit of hanging my heart on one person before I knew if that person was deserving.  I have an extreme sense of loyalty and once I decide to be loyal to someone, that's it.  I'm loyal.  In the past I ended up in a long-term relationship with a man who didn't deserve my loyalty.  Or my heart, actually.

I am determined not to let that happen again.

So this weekend I began to respond to others, and boy the interestingness came a-flowing back!

I have had several men message me since I began to reply again, and some of them got responses, but not all. 

Almost all of them ask for more pictures right away, which makes me nervous.  I would rather they know me a little bit before seeing me.  I make sure that they all know that I am plus sized and most of them say they already know and that they like "curvy girls," but it still makes me nervous.

I heard from a man whose only introduction was, "I like to wear diapers."  I kept his picture just in case I ever run into him, but he got no response.

One offered to do some scandalous things to me (I even got a picture of some private parts just to prove it)!

One offered to tickle me a lot.

One man asked me if I was into a "feeding relationship."  I had no idea what that was, so I got to the Google and looked it up.  Apparently, there are men in the world who derive sexual pleasure from watching women eat.  From watching fat women eat.  And they want the women to eat and eat and eat.  They want their women fat, like Gilbert Grape's mom.  I'm trying to lose weight, not gain any, so that option is out completely. 

I heard from some of the men that I had been chatting with before I met this guy, so we began to chat again, these men and I.

As of today I have three dates for this weekend/early next week:  one with a "short, furry, and funny" guy who is very nice, one with a man from Turkey, and one with a tall man who really wants to kiss me, both of whom I had been talking to before I met the guy from out of town.

I feel a little guilt for making plans with more than one man at a time, but not guilty enough that I won't go.  I also feel a little guilt about the guy that I like from out of town, but we haven't met yet.  We don't owe each other anything, yet.  Once we meet, if the sparks fly, we'll take it from there.

Until then I will go on dates.  I will have first kisses.  I will be open to whatever comes my way.

I will not hang my heart on anyone unless and until I know that they deserve it.

I will try to amend my extreme sense of loyalty and be loyal to myself first.  The trick is deciding that I'm worthy.

We all have patterns that our lives follow: patterns that we repeat, patterns that we create, patterns that we try to change. 

With this online dating adventure I am attempting to weave some new patterns, get rid of some old ones, and see what the world has in store.

It's very scary and I have moments of panic, tears, sadness... and grief.  I must allow myself to grieve for the old patterns and put them away so that the new ones can take their place.  But the grief is, fleeting. Mostly.

The panic lingers, which is due to my own body issues and not any new thing, but I'm working on it.

And I am weaving new patterns, which excites me.  

I am determined to prevail, not necessarily in finding the love I seek from a man (though I am resolved to remain open to that as well), but in finding the love in myself, the loyalty that should have been mine all along.  I shall remain open to what the world presents, I will allow things to happen, and I will enjoy it. Dammit.

And I have dates!!!

Fears

I have been afraid a lot lately.

Not of anything tangible or even real, but I am afraid nonetheless.

I remember what my life was like before illness and fat changed everything.  I remember how I was.  I remember how men were with me.  I remember that I was a desirable thing, that I was a flirt (and a good one), that I was seen.

I am the same person on the inside, still a flirt, still audacious.  My sense of humor is the same, my wit, my abilities.  Only the outside has changed.

But I am no longer seen. 

Somehow, the larger my body gets the less people see me.  Really see me.  And that scares me, for many reasons.

I get the usual fat-girl complements that aren't really complements, and I try to appreciate the intentions behind them, but they still get under my skin sometimes.  The, "You have such a pretty face..." people have no idea that I can hear the the second part of that sentence, "...it's just the rest of you that's ugly."  Now, I'm hopeful that most people don't actually think that in their heads, but it's what I hear.  And I can own that and understand that I may be projecting, but I have also had people actually say the second half of that sentence to me, so I know that it's out there.

When people look at me now they don't actually see me, they see the fat.  I'm not talking about my people, the people that already know me and love me no matter what I look like.  I'm talking about people in general.  They just don't see me.

But I was meant to be seen.

And I'm afraid that I will never be seen again.  At least not in the way that I want to be seen.

I have had virtual strangers walk up to me and say very blunt, sometimes horrible, sometimes wonderful things to me.  It's that part of my personality that makes people think that they can say anything to me at any time.  That, at least, has not been hidden amongst the fat.

I had a woman walk up to me, pointing at me like she recognized me from something, and said, "Oink, oink."

I met a woman in an elevator who said out of the clear blue, "You know, you could lose that weight if you really wanted to.  You obviously just don't want to.  And you have such a pretty face..."

I met a man who said, "Call me when you lose the weight, we can maybe hook up." 

I was told by a man that, "You're fat because you had to be ugly for a while. When you need to be pretty again you'll lose it." 

That one hurt a lot.  Why does fat automatically equal ugly?  Why can't it just be fat?  After all, I have such a pretty face...

The problem is, that I want to be seen, but I also don't want anyone to see me this way. 

(If it sounds crazy to you, welcome to my brain - it's like that all the time in here).

I want someone to see me, really see me.  I want someone to look right at me and see past all the fat, all the scars, and see the girl that I am inside.  I want them to see the wit, the humor, the sass. I want them to see the me that I have always been.

But I don't want anyone to see me this way.  To see what has become of that girl that I was. 

Knowing this about myself, knowing that I am the same girl I was behind this mask of fat, I have begun to try to see people as they are, not as they seem.  I try to notice when people are invisible, try to see past whatever they have on the outside.  I always introduce myself to wait staff at restaurants because they are the most invisible people on earth, in my opinion.  I try to smile at the cranky people.  I always thank a member of the military for their service.  I have begun to look with the intent to see. 

I know that I am much more than I appear to be, the size of my body does not affect the size of my spirit.  I try to remember that about others as well.

Which brings me to my fears, or at least my recent fears...

What if this is it?  What if I never find that man who will see past all this crap and see me?  What if it is my fate to remain invisible?  I don't know if I can handle that as I am not meant to be invisible. 

I have been talking to a man from another city and he seems wonderful.  We have talked about my weight and he has said all the right things, all the right ways.  But he isn't real yet, and he won't be until we meet in person.  When we text it can go on for hours and we have had some wonderful conversations on the phone. 

But my fear is... when we actually meet in person, what if he doesn't see me?

What if he takes one look at me and realizes that he just can't?

I like this man and I would like to know him. 

Some of my fears stem from a lack of communication between us - he is back in school and has finals - but most of it stems from experience.  It comes from the men I've met that start out with romantic intentions, who then turn right around and say, "I wish I could find a girl just like you." 

Well, there is only one girl just like me, she just happens to be fat. 


Right now I am just trying to contain my fear so that I don't project any of it onto this man, who seems really great.  But it's difficult.

As I stare at my phone and wait for a text or a call I feel like an idiot.  I feel like a teenager who doesn't know who she is yet, but just hopes that the boy will call. 

I know who I am.  I know where I've been.  I know where I want to go, I just don't want to go there alone.

And I'm so scared that he won't see me. 

It's fears like this that make me want to rage: against steroids, against illness, against myself.  It was I, after all, that allowed things to get this bad, that hid my head in the sand as my body warped into this thing it is now.

I'm just too tired to rage, though.  I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm sad.

But I remain oddly optimistic that this man will, somehow, see me.  That he is for real, that he is what he says, and that he wants me in spite of my fat. 

Only time will tell...

People are strange

I am now two weeks into this online dating experience, and there is one thing that I am now certain of...

People are strange.

I have broken down the defenses and gone on a date with a very, very weird man (see my last post for more on that wackadoo), but hey, I went on a date!  It has been a good, long while since I have been on a date... we're talking the beginning of my relationship with my ex, which was also a good, long while ago!... so just going on a date was a huge step for me.

I have been chatting/texting with a man from another city almost every day and he seems very nice!  We are making plans to try to meet in person, which still scares me a lot.

I mentioned to him that I am feeling this fear and he asked me to elaborate.  When I told him that I was afraid that my size would be an issue he said, "Size is NOT an issue with me."  Which made me relieved.

But I'm still scared. Because he hasn't actually seen me yet. What if my size is a size or two bigger than the size that is not a problem for him?  What if the size that is the not-a-problem size for him is waaaaay smaller than my size? What if... oh, hell, I could what if all day.

But I like him so far.  He doesn't seem as weird as the last guy.  So far.

And I am excited to meet him in person, even though I am so, so scared.

But I have promised myself that I will really try to experience this experience of online dating: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But people are strange.

I have had messages from several men that are just plain off-putting!

One guy wrote, "Do you enjoy submissive men, beautiful queen?"

No, "Hi!"  No, "I looked at your profile and I thought we might get along..."  Nothing.  Just, "Do you enjoy submissive men..."

I wanted to reply with, "No.  No I don't," but I didn't.  I just let him wonder.

I got a message from a woman stating, "I'm looking for fun."

Now, my profile clearly  states that I am looking for "men who like women" but this chick thought I might venture out, I guess. However, she didn't introduce herself, didn't say hi, just ... "looking for fun."  So... no response from me.

My favorite so far is perhaps the man from California who said, "Hello beautiful, voluptuous Katy, I want to know if you have very nice feet. :)"

Yeah.

I feel that my first clue that he was a bit odd was his screen name, which includes the phrase "footpamperer."

I wonder, though, what he expected to accomplish, what with him living in California and all.  But, hey, I guess a foot fetish knows no limits.

I am also getting a lot of men in their mid to late 20's reaching out to me!  I can't decide whether they are just really into older women, or if they think the fat chick might be an easy lay.

I haven't responded to any of them, mostly because I really don't want to feel that kind of insecurity with a new guy.  It's difficult enough to work up my courage to respond to these people, let alone meet any of them, without throwing a 15 year age gap into the mix with me as the older one. That's just a little too much "experience" in this experience for me.

But it is flattering to think that they might just like older women.

I am choosing not to surmise that they think I'm an easy target because I'm fat. Which, for me, is a very large step in the right direction.

So, for now, I shall continue to talk to the guy from another city and hope that he is for real.

And I will answer any men who leave me a message that consists of more than, "hey," or "sup."  I will, however, continue to ignore the ones that are creepy. I'm not willing to go down that road in any fashion.

And I have noticed a new confidence in my step lately.

I feel more like my old self than I have in years.  I am beginning to feel like the me that I was before I met my ex, before my confidence was ripped away by illness, before I got lost.

I have found myself flirting again.

When I got lost I stopped flirting, stopped acting like I could be a sexual or desired thing.  I just stopped.

Last week I found myself flirting again.  With a stranger.  And it felt great!

I've been flirting with the man from another city, but that fits in the it-might-not-be-real-because-we-have-never-met category so it doesn't really count.  This was actual flirting with a real, live man who was standing next to me!

So things are going well, all-in-all.

There has been some good (out-of-town guy), some bad (wackadoo guy), and some ugly (foot fetish guy).  But I am experiencing this experience!

And so far I am having a very good time.

But people are strange.

Lessons Learned

So... I met the man, and I learned a lot.

I was very nervous to meet this man that dared me to hope.  My roommate, who is adorably protective of me, wanted to be there so that he could shake this man's hand and look him in the eye.

About twenty minutes after meeting, the man excused himself to the bathroom.  My roommate looked at me, shook his head, and mouthed, "He's not the man for you."

Nodding, I said, "I know."

But he is a nice man.  A little crazy, but very nice.

As the date progressed this man got to talking.  We originally connected over our love of sci-fi/fantasy books and movies, but that is not what we talked about.  Or rather, not what he talked about.

He talked about religion.  He talked politics.  He talked social issues.  He talked global warming.

Now, I love talking about these things with people of all viewpoints.  I love to discuss differences and similarities, to try to convince someone to my way of thinking and to open my mind to theirs.  It can be a fascinating discussion, no matter the political leaning of the person I'm talking to.

I usually insist, however, that the person I'm talking to have some small grip on reality.

It turns out that he is a false-flag-birther-truther-Tea-Party-ultra-conspiracy-theory-global-warming-is-a-hoax-wacko.  He thinks that 9/11, Sandy Hook, The Boston Bombing, and Columbine were all government conspiracies.  He is not a person for discussions, only rants.

Anyone who knows me at all, knows that this is not the man for me.

But he is a nice man.

And it was nice to be kissed again (though badly).  It was nice to be held again.  It was nice to be looked at like a woman again. 

All-in-all it was a successful day for me on a personal level.  I didn't panic at all.  I was able to sit with this man, listen to his rants, and still enjoy the fact that I was on a date.  I allowed myself the experience and I allowed myself to be kissed (though badly). 

And I still have hope.

I also learned a lot about online dating.

I learned to look at every picture that someone has on their profile as they will tell you a lot!  I learned to not only read their profile, but to check the "details" page as well.  The "questions" page is also invaluable as it shows you how they answered certain personality questions as compared to your answers.

Had I really looked at this man's profile, really looked at his pictures, seen his "questions" page, I may have been prepared for some of the rants that I experienced, but I was too excited that someone was interested in me to really look. Then again, they were some fantastical rants and I'm not sure anyone is ever prepared for one of those.

(Also, men lie about their height).

But he is a nice man.

And so it continues...

I am currently having some very entertaining conversations with two men, one near and one far.  They seem very nice and I have looked at all their pictures, details, and questions, just to be prepared.

My insecurities are still rampant and I made sure both men are aware of my size.

One of them Googled me and told me he loves me (I think he found some Broadway Bares pictures which is hilarious).

The other man said, "I know and I want to kiss you.  Do you like tall, thin guys?"

So there is still hope.

I also learned more about what I want from this experience.

I learned that I don't have to settle, just because I'm fat.  I don't have to take whatever comes along because I may not get another one.  I want to be kissed, kissed well, and kissed often.  I want to be looked at like I am precious and important.  I want to be held by a man that makes me feel safe.

And I want to feel that spark, that thrill, when I look at him.

Clarifying what I want has also sparked another round of fear and insecurities.  Who am I to want such things?  Who am I to think that I can have them?  It sometimes seems that I gave away those options the moment I got fat, for who would ever want me?

But someone does.  This man wanted me.  There are two more that seem to want me.  And I continue to get messages from men who may want me.

So I have also learned to reclaim what I want.  I have learned to try to accept the fact that being fat does not negate me, does not define my parameters. I have learned that I am allowed to want these things and to go after them.  I am allowed to feel attractive and worthy.  I am allowed to be loved.

I'm trying to remember these things every day, to remind myself that I am allowed to be and want these things.  Every day.  Some days it sticks, some it doesn't, but I'm working on it.  It still makes me uncomfortable to want these things, for I still believe somewhere that I don't deserve them for the simple fact that I am fat. But I'm working on it.

Now, though, I have discovered a new fear...

What if I get what I want?

Men

I've now had a profile on an online dating site for about five days and I'm still pretty terrified, but I've learned a few things.

Dating is different now than it was when I was younger.  I'm not sure if it's the technology or the fact that we (the men and I) are older now, or a combination of the two, but dating is different now.

First of all, men are very forward.  I mean, very forward.

They know exactly what they want and aren't afraid of telling you.

I've had an offer to be trained as a submissive from a guy in another city - that was his first communication.

A second guy offered to "introduce me to my love of pain" with a lot of descriptive explaining as to the how.  It was kind of hilarious and also scary.  I didn't respond to him.

Men reach out with their first message to tell you what they want, what they can give, what they expect, and they ask for your honesty in response.  They expect you to be able to tell them what you want, what you can give, what you expect.  All up front.

In a way it's refreshing - there isn't a lot of wasted time wondering about a person, wondering if you're compatible.  You don't have to wait until the fifth date to discover that you both want very different things and are unwilling to compromise about them.

It's also terrifying.  I've sent several texts to my best friend asking "What am I doing?" because I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't really know what I want except that I want to flirt again, I want to feel pretty again, I want a manly presence in my life.  I want to feel a man's arms around me and to feel safe with them there.  I really didn't expect this response or these questions and it's overwhelming.  And sometimes hilarious.  And sometimes it's really, really terrifying, in the way that makes you giddy.

It started off very innocently: a discussion about books.  I list a few of my favorite books on my profile and he mentioned that he has read one of them in his message.  We spent several back-and-forth communiques talking about the book, the author, the sequels.  Then we started talking about other books, favorite authors, interesting series.  I love books and can talk about them with anyone who will sit still long enough (most people don't sit still long enough) so this was the perfect introduction for me.

He told me what he does for a living.  We talked video games and board games.  He asked how tall I am.  He has asked a myriad of other questions as well, and he keeps telling me that he thinks I'm hot.

Then he asked to meet me.

What the hell am I doing?

Then again, this is the whole point, right?  To actually go on a date, to actually meet men.  But I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't really know what the protocols are for this, if there is a way we are supposed to chat, an acceptable "wait time" for meeting someone.  I asked my roommate to explain it all to me as he understands this world far better than I.  He was very helpful, but it is so staggering.

And still this man is sending texts. He texts me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I've been so far removed from the world of romance that I don't even know if that's normal.

We have made plans to meet, which scares the shit out of me. 

It wasn't supposed to happen this fast.  I wasn't supposed to meet someone that I connect with this quickly. I was supposed to have more time to prepare.

The banter is great, but as we continue to get to know each other my panic is on the rise.  As we keep chatting and he keeps flirting, I begin to realize that he may not really have the measure of me, that he may not realize that I am a plus-sized girl.  I mean, you can tell by my picture that I'm not skinny, but he may not realize how really not-skinny I am.

I began to seriously panic.  I am very interested in this man but the fear began to overwhelm me as I don't want to see the look on his face when he sees me and realizes that he can't be attracted to me.  That he can't be with someone that is plus-sized (or at least as plus-sized as I am).

With my heart breaking in anticipation I sent him a text.

"Can I have a moment of vulnerability?"

He said yes so I sent, "I just want to make sure that you are aware that I am a plus-sized girl - I'm not a skinny little thing. I would just hate for there to have been a misunderstanding there."

Then I waited.  And I held my breath.

"That's no worries for me. No issues, hun."

A sob that I didn't realize was there escaped me as I cried.  A lot.

This man, this person that found me in the ether and reached out to me, this man has dared me to hope.

I really thought that this part of my life might be over, than no man would ever want me because I'm fat.  I've become accustomed to being alone, to being single.  I'm used to being the person that isn't seen, that's invisible to the opposite sex in that way.

Then he said that he had no issues and I began to hope.

And hope is a dangerous thing.

I'm still terrified, but in that giddy way.

For the first time in a long, long time, I'm going on a date.  And I'm going to try very hard not to cry.

Baby Steps

Let me begin by saying that I am definitively plus-sized.


I haven't always been plus-sized , but this is where I am right now.

Definitively plus-sized.

I have spent far too long hiding from the world, running from people and things because I didn't want anyone to see me this way.  Which is ironic, really, because I'm an actor and in order to be an actor I need to be seen, but there you have it.  And still, I get hired at this weight, I get a ton of auditions at this weight, I am as happy as I can be at this weight, but still, I don't want to be seen at this weight.

And I haven't had a date in ten years.

Granted, I was hung up on an ex for quite a while, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I am plus-sized and the thinking that no one else would want me because of it.  But ten years is far too long.

Even when I was younger and thinner, I wasn't a big "dater."  Not a lot of men asked me out, and for many of those that did I was just too afraid to say yes.

But I'm tired now.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of being single.  I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of waiting. Waiting until I'm thinner.  Waiting until I'm ready.  Waiting until pigs fly.  I'm just tired.

And so I made a leap.  A huge leap of faith that has me shaking in my figurative boots.

I signed up for online dating sites.

I did it more for the karma than anything, thinking that this would be a way to attract "dating" energy in my real life.  Thinking that the energy alone was all I really needed.  I really didn't expect anyone to respond to my profile.  I mean, why would they with all the "beautiful" people filling up the pages and all the other options out there?

But I did it.  And it scares the shit out of me.

I started with a popular site, one that has tons of commercials on the air and has brand recognition.  I posted my picture and a few things about myself.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

About an hour later I got a "message" from someone.  And a few "likes" and "winks."  And then I got some more, which really freaked me out.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

It took me a few days to get up the courage to go back onto the site to read the messages and see who "winked" at me.  When I tried to click on the first message I discovered that the site wouldn't let me read it without signing up for too much money, which really pissed me off.  I don't really want to pay some website for the privilege of trussing myself up like a rotisserie chicken to be displayed on their online dating smorgasbord.  I'll do that for free, thank you very much.

So, with a slightly guilty feeling for not being able to respond to the men who messaged me on the first site, I settled my panic and tried again.

I chose another site that was also fairly well-known but (mostly) free and tried again.  Within hours I got several messages and "views" and began to freak out.  Again.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

As of this posting I have gotten up the nerve to respond to a few of the messages and to fill out my profile a bit more, but I am still seriously freaked out. 

Dating is a pain-in-the-ass without the added insecurity that being plus-sized brings to the table, but I'm going to give it a go.  Because I'm tired.

But, I don't want to do it alone, so I'm bringing you all with me.

As I travel this road of plus-sized, online dating I will write about it, laugh about it, panic about it, and really try to experience it (the fear will be there always, but I will try to curb the panic). 

And, if all the stars align, I will lose the fear, forgive the past, accept myself, and have a little fun.

Here we go...