Patterns

So I have been talking to this guy.

I like this guy.  He's interesting, and funny, and very smart.  He moves me.

We've been having wonderful conversations via phone and text, sometimes lasting all day (the text ones, not the phone ones), and he says that he really likes me.

We haven't met in person yet as he lives in another city, but we are making plans to do so.

But I realized recently that I haven't been chatting with anyone else since he and I connected.  I just sort of stopped responding to the men who messaged me.

And that won't do.

I used to have a habit of hanging my heart on one person before I knew if that person was deserving.  I have an extreme sense of loyalty and once I decide to be loyal to someone, that's it.  I'm loyal.  In the past I ended up in a long-term relationship with a man who didn't deserve my loyalty.  Or my heart, actually.

I am determined not to let that happen again.

So this weekend I began to respond to others, and boy the interestingness came a-flowing back!

I have had several men message me since I began to reply again, and some of them got responses, but not all. 

Almost all of them ask for more pictures right away, which makes me nervous.  I would rather they know me a little bit before seeing me.  I make sure that they all know that I am plus sized and most of them say they already know and that they like "curvy girls," but it still makes me nervous.

I heard from a man whose only introduction was, "I like to wear diapers."  I kept his picture just in case I ever run into him, but he got no response.

One offered to do some scandalous things to me (I even got a picture of some private parts just to prove it)!

One offered to tickle me a lot.

One man asked me if I was into a "feeding relationship."  I had no idea what that was, so I got to the Google and looked it up.  Apparently, there are men in the world who derive sexual pleasure from watching women eat.  From watching fat women eat.  And they want the women to eat and eat and eat.  They want their women fat, like Gilbert Grape's mom.  I'm trying to lose weight, not gain any, so that option is out completely. 

I heard from some of the men that I had been chatting with before I met this guy, so we began to chat again, these men and I.

As of today I have three dates for this weekend/early next week:  one with a "short, furry, and funny" guy who is very nice, one with a man from Turkey, and one with a tall man who really wants to kiss me, both of whom I had been talking to before I met the guy from out of town.

I feel a little guilt for making plans with more than one man at a time, but not guilty enough that I won't go.  I also feel a little guilt about the guy that I like from out of town, but we haven't met yet.  We don't owe each other anything, yet.  Once we meet, if the sparks fly, we'll take it from there.

Until then I will go on dates.  I will have first kisses.  I will be open to whatever comes my way.

I will not hang my heart on anyone unless and until I know that they deserve it.

I will try to amend my extreme sense of loyalty and be loyal to myself first.  The trick is deciding that I'm worthy.

We all have patterns that our lives follow: patterns that we repeat, patterns that we create, patterns that we try to change. 

With this online dating adventure I am attempting to weave some new patterns, get rid of some old ones, and see what the world has in store.

It's very scary and I have moments of panic, tears, sadness... and grief.  I must allow myself to grieve for the old patterns and put them away so that the new ones can take their place.  But the grief is, fleeting. Mostly.

The panic lingers, which is due to my own body issues and not any new thing, but I'm working on it.

And I am weaving new patterns, which excites me.  

I am determined to prevail, not necessarily in finding the love I seek from a man (though I am resolved to remain open to that as well), but in finding the love in myself, the loyalty that should have been mine all along.  I shall remain open to what the world presents, I will allow things to happen, and I will enjoy it. Dammit.

And I have dates!!!