Lessons Learned

So... I met the man, and I learned a lot.

I was very nervous to meet this man that dared me to hope.  My roommate, who is adorably protective of me, wanted to be there so that he could shake this man's hand and look him in the eye.

About twenty minutes after meeting, the man excused himself to the bathroom.  My roommate looked at me, shook his head, and mouthed, "He's not the man for you."

Nodding, I said, "I know."

But he is a nice man.  A little crazy, but very nice.

As the date progressed this man got to talking.  We originally connected over our love of sci-fi/fantasy books and movies, but that is not what we talked about.  Or rather, not what he talked about.

He talked about religion.  He talked politics.  He talked social issues.  He talked global warming.

Now, I love talking about these things with people of all viewpoints.  I love to discuss differences and similarities, to try to convince someone to my way of thinking and to open my mind to theirs.  It can be a fascinating discussion, no matter the political leaning of the person I'm talking to.

I usually insist, however, that the person I'm talking to have some small grip on reality.

It turns out that he is a false-flag-birther-truther-Tea-Party-ultra-conspiracy-theory-global-warming-is-a-hoax-wacko.  He thinks that 9/11, Sandy Hook, The Boston Bombing, and Columbine were all government conspiracies.  He is not a person for discussions, only rants.

Anyone who knows me at all, knows that this is not the man for me.

But he is a nice man.

And it was nice to be kissed again (though badly).  It was nice to be held again.  It was nice to be looked at like a woman again. 

All-in-all it was a successful day for me on a personal level.  I didn't panic at all.  I was able to sit with this man, listen to his rants, and still enjoy the fact that I was on a date.  I allowed myself the experience and I allowed myself to be kissed (though badly). 

And I still have hope.

I also learned a lot about online dating.

I learned to look at every picture that someone has on their profile as they will tell you a lot!  I learned to not only read their profile, but to check the "details" page as well.  The "questions" page is also invaluable as it shows you how they answered certain personality questions as compared to your answers.

Had I really looked at this man's profile, really looked at his pictures, seen his "questions" page, I may have been prepared for some of the rants that I experienced, but I was too excited that someone was interested in me to really look. Then again, they were some fantastical rants and I'm not sure anyone is ever prepared for one of those.

(Also, men lie about their height).

But he is a nice man.

And so it continues...

I am currently having some very entertaining conversations with two men, one near and one far.  They seem very nice and I have looked at all their pictures, details, and questions, just to be prepared.

My insecurities are still rampant and I made sure both men are aware of my size.

One of them Googled me and told me he loves me (I think he found some Broadway Bares pictures which is hilarious).

The other man said, "I know and I want to kiss you.  Do you like tall, thin guys?"

So there is still hope.

I also learned more about what I want from this experience.

I learned that I don't have to settle, just because I'm fat.  I don't have to take whatever comes along because I may not get another one.  I want to be kissed, kissed well, and kissed often.  I want to be looked at like I am precious and important.  I want to be held by a man that makes me feel safe.

And I want to feel that spark, that thrill, when I look at him.

Clarifying what I want has also sparked another round of fear and insecurities.  Who am I to want such things?  Who am I to think that I can have them?  It sometimes seems that I gave away those options the moment I got fat, for who would ever want me?

But someone does.  This man wanted me.  There are two more that seem to want me.  And I continue to get messages from men who may want me.

So I have also learned to reclaim what I want.  I have learned to try to accept the fact that being fat does not negate me, does not define my parameters. I have learned that I am allowed to want these things and to go after them.  I am allowed to feel attractive and worthy.  I am allowed to be loved.

I'm trying to remember these things every day, to remind myself that I am allowed to be and want these things.  Every day.  Some days it sticks, some it doesn't, but I'm working on it.  It still makes me uncomfortable to want these things, for I still believe somewhere that I don't deserve them for the simple fact that I am fat. But I'm working on it.

Now, though, I have discovered a new fear...

What if I get what I want?

Men

I've now had a profile on an online dating site for about five days and I'm still pretty terrified, but I've learned a few things.

Dating is different now than it was when I was younger.  I'm not sure if it's the technology or the fact that we (the men and I) are older now, or a combination of the two, but dating is different now.

First of all, men are very forward.  I mean, very forward.

They know exactly what they want and aren't afraid of telling you.

I've had an offer to be trained as a submissive from a guy in another city - that was his first communication.

A second guy offered to "introduce me to my love of pain" with a lot of descriptive explaining as to the how.  It was kind of hilarious and also scary.  I didn't respond to him.

Men reach out with their first message to tell you what they want, what they can give, what they expect, and they ask for your honesty in response.  They expect you to be able to tell them what you want, what you can give, what you expect.  All up front.

In a way it's refreshing - there isn't a lot of wasted time wondering about a person, wondering if you're compatible.  You don't have to wait until the fifth date to discover that you both want very different things and are unwilling to compromise about them.

It's also terrifying.  I've sent several texts to my best friend asking "What am I doing?" because I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't really know what I want except that I want to flirt again, I want to feel pretty again, I want a manly presence in my life.  I want to feel a man's arms around me and to feel safe with them there.  I really didn't expect this response or these questions and it's overwhelming.  And sometimes hilarious.  And sometimes it's really, really terrifying, in the way that makes you giddy.

It started off very innocently: a discussion about books.  I list a few of my favorite books on my profile and he mentioned that he has read one of them in his message.  We spent several back-and-forth communiques talking about the book, the author, the sequels.  Then we started talking about other books, favorite authors, interesting series.  I love books and can talk about them with anyone who will sit still long enough (most people don't sit still long enough) so this was the perfect introduction for me.

He told me what he does for a living.  We talked video games and board games.  He asked how tall I am.  He has asked a myriad of other questions as well, and he keeps telling me that he thinks I'm hot.

Then he asked to meet me.

What the hell am I doing?

Then again, this is the whole point, right?  To actually go on a date, to actually meet men.  But I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't really know what the protocols are for this, if there is a way we are supposed to chat, an acceptable "wait time" for meeting someone.  I asked my roommate to explain it all to me as he understands this world far better than I.  He was very helpful, but it is so staggering.

And still this man is sending texts. He texts me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I've been so far removed from the world of romance that I don't even know if that's normal.

We have made plans to meet, which scares the shit out of me. 

It wasn't supposed to happen this fast.  I wasn't supposed to meet someone that I connect with this quickly. I was supposed to have more time to prepare.

The banter is great, but as we continue to get to know each other my panic is on the rise.  As we keep chatting and he keeps flirting, I begin to realize that he may not really have the measure of me, that he may not realize that I am a plus-sized girl.  I mean, you can tell by my picture that I'm not skinny, but he may not realize how really not-skinny I am.

I began to seriously panic.  I am very interested in this man but the fear began to overwhelm me as I don't want to see the look on his face when he sees me and realizes that he can't be attracted to me.  That he can't be with someone that is plus-sized (or at least as plus-sized as I am).

With my heart breaking in anticipation I sent him a text.

"Can I have a moment of vulnerability?"

He said yes so I sent, "I just want to make sure that you are aware that I am a plus-sized girl - I'm not a skinny little thing. I would just hate for there to have been a misunderstanding there."

Then I waited.  And I held my breath.

"That's no worries for me. No issues, hun."

A sob that I didn't realize was there escaped me as I cried.  A lot.

This man, this person that found me in the ether and reached out to me, this man has dared me to hope.

I really thought that this part of my life might be over, than no man would ever want me because I'm fat.  I've become accustomed to being alone, to being single.  I'm used to being the person that isn't seen, that's invisible to the opposite sex in that way.

Then he said that he had no issues and I began to hope.

And hope is a dangerous thing.

I'm still terrified, but in that giddy way.

For the first time in a long, long time, I'm going on a date.  And I'm going to try very hard not to cry.

Baby Steps

Let me begin by saying that I am definitively plus-sized.


I haven't always been plus-sized , but this is where I am right now.

Definitively plus-sized.

I have spent far too long hiding from the world, running from people and things because I didn't want anyone to see me this way.  Which is ironic, really, because I'm an actor and in order to be an actor I need to be seen, but there you have it.  And still, I get hired at this weight, I get a ton of auditions at this weight, I am as happy as I can be at this weight, but still, I don't want to be seen at this weight.

And I haven't had a date in ten years.

Granted, I was hung up on an ex for quite a while, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I am plus-sized and the thinking that no one else would want me because of it.  But ten years is far too long.

Even when I was younger and thinner, I wasn't a big "dater."  Not a lot of men asked me out, and for many of those that did I was just too afraid to say yes.

But I'm tired now.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of being single.  I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of waiting. Waiting until I'm thinner.  Waiting until I'm ready.  Waiting until pigs fly.  I'm just tired.

And so I made a leap.  A huge leap of faith that has me shaking in my figurative boots.

I signed up for online dating sites.

I did it more for the karma than anything, thinking that this would be a way to attract "dating" energy in my real life.  Thinking that the energy alone was all I really needed.  I really didn't expect anyone to respond to my profile.  I mean, why would they with all the "beautiful" people filling up the pages and all the other options out there?

But I did it.  And it scares the shit out of me.

I started with a popular site, one that has tons of commercials on the air and has brand recognition.  I posted my picture and a few things about myself.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

About an hour later I got a "message" from someone.  And a few "likes" and "winks."  And then I got some more, which really freaked me out.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

It took me a few days to get up the courage to go back onto the site to read the messages and see who "winked" at me.  When I tried to click on the first message I discovered that the site wouldn't let me read it without signing up for too much money, which really pissed me off.  I don't really want to pay some website for the privilege of trussing myself up like a rotisserie chicken to be displayed on their online dating smorgasbord.  I'll do that for free, thank you very much.

So, with a slightly guilty feeling for not being able to respond to the men who messaged me on the first site, I settled my panic and tried again.

I chose another site that was also fairly well-known but (mostly) free and tried again.  Within hours I got several messages and "views" and began to freak out.  Again.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

As of this posting I have gotten up the nerve to respond to a few of the messages and to fill out my profile a bit more, but I am still seriously freaked out. 

Dating is a pain-in-the-ass without the added insecurity that being plus-sized brings to the table, but I'm going to give it a go.  Because I'm tired.

But, I don't want to do it alone, so I'm bringing you all with me.

As I travel this road of plus-sized, online dating I will write about it, laugh about it, panic about it, and really try to experience it (the fear will be there always, but I will try to curb the panic). 

And, if all the stars align, I will lose the fear, forgive the past, accept myself, and have a little fun.

Here we go...