Patterns

So I have been talking to this guy.

I like this guy.  He's interesting, and funny, and very smart.  He moves me.

We've been having wonderful conversations via phone and text, sometimes lasting all day (the text ones, not the phone ones), and he says that he really likes me.

We haven't met in person yet as he lives in another city, but we are making plans to do so.

But I realized recently that I haven't been chatting with anyone else since he and I connected.  I just sort of stopped responding to the men who messaged me.

And that won't do.

I used to have a habit of hanging my heart on one person before I knew if that person was deserving.  I have an extreme sense of loyalty and once I decide to be loyal to someone, that's it.  I'm loyal.  In the past I ended up in a long-term relationship with a man who didn't deserve my loyalty.  Or my heart, actually.

I am determined not to let that happen again.

So this weekend I began to respond to others, and boy the interestingness came a-flowing back!

I have had several men message me since I began to reply again, and some of them got responses, but not all. 

Almost all of them ask for more pictures right away, which makes me nervous.  I would rather they know me a little bit before seeing me.  I make sure that they all know that I am plus sized and most of them say they already know and that they like "curvy girls," but it still makes me nervous.

I heard from a man whose only introduction was, "I like to wear diapers."  I kept his picture just in case I ever run into him, but he got no response.

One offered to do some scandalous things to me (I even got a picture of some private parts just to prove it)!

One offered to tickle me a lot.

One man asked me if I was into a "feeding relationship."  I had no idea what that was, so I got to the Google and looked it up.  Apparently, there are men in the world who derive sexual pleasure from watching women eat.  From watching fat women eat.  And they want the women to eat and eat and eat.  They want their women fat, like Gilbert Grape's mom.  I'm trying to lose weight, not gain any, so that option is out completely. 

I heard from some of the men that I had been chatting with before I met this guy, so we began to chat again, these men and I.

As of today I have three dates for this weekend/early next week:  one with a "short, furry, and funny" guy who is very nice, one with a man from Turkey, and one with a tall man who really wants to kiss me, both of whom I had been talking to before I met the guy from out of town.

I feel a little guilt for making plans with more than one man at a time, but not guilty enough that I won't go.  I also feel a little guilt about the guy that I like from out of town, but we haven't met yet.  We don't owe each other anything, yet.  Once we meet, if the sparks fly, we'll take it from there.

Until then I will go on dates.  I will have first kisses.  I will be open to whatever comes my way.

I will not hang my heart on anyone unless and until I know that they deserve it.

I will try to amend my extreme sense of loyalty and be loyal to myself first.  The trick is deciding that I'm worthy.

We all have patterns that our lives follow: patterns that we repeat, patterns that we create, patterns that we try to change. 

With this online dating adventure I am attempting to weave some new patterns, get rid of some old ones, and see what the world has in store.

It's very scary and I have moments of panic, tears, sadness... and grief.  I must allow myself to grieve for the old patterns and put them away so that the new ones can take their place.  But the grief is, fleeting. Mostly.

The panic lingers, which is due to my own body issues and not any new thing, but I'm working on it.

And I am weaving new patterns, which excites me.  

I am determined to prevail, not necessarily in finding the love I seek from a man (though I am resolved to remain open to that as well), but in finding the love in myself, the loyalty that should have been mine all along.  I shall remain open to what the world presents, I will allow things to happen, and I will enjoy it. Dammit.

And I have dates!!!

Fears

I have been afraid a lot lately.

Not of anything tangible or even real, but I am afraid nonetheless.

I remember what my life was like before illness and fat changed everything.  I remember how I was.  I remember how men were with me.  I remember that I was a desirable thing, that I was a flirt (and a good one), that I was seen.

I am the same person on the inside, still a flirt, still audacious.  My sense of humor is the same, my wit, my abilities.  Only the outside has changed.

But I am no longer seen. 

Somehow, the larger my body gets the less people see me.  Really see me.  And that scares me, for many reasons.

I get the usual fat-girl complements that aren't really complements, and I try to appreciate the intentions behind them, but they still get under my skin sometimes.  The, "You have such a pretty face..." people have no idea that I can hear the the second part of that sentence, "...it's just the rest of you that's ugly."  Now, I'm hopeful that most people don't actually think that in their heads, but it's what I hear.  And I can own that and understand that I may be projecting, but I have also had people actually say the second half of that sentence to me, so I know that it's out there.

When people look at me now they don't actually see me, they see the fat.  I'm not talking about my people, the people that already know me and love me no matter what I look like.  I'm talking about people in general.  They just don't see me.

But I was meant to be seen.

And I'm afraid that I will never be seen again.  At least not in the way that I want to be seen.

I have had virtual strangers walk up to me and say very blunt, sometimes horrible, sometimes wonderful things to me.  It's that part of my personality that makes people think that they can say anything to me at any time.  That, at least, has not been hidden amongst the fat.

I had a woman walk up to me, pointing at me like she recognized me from something, and said, "Oink, oink."

I met a woman in an elevator who said out of the clear blue, "You know, you could lose that weight if you really wanted to.  You obviously just don't want to.  And you have such a pretty face..."

I met a man who said, "Call me when you lose the weight, we can maybe hook up." 

I was told by a man that, "You're fat because you had to be ugly for a while. When you need to be pretty again you'll lose it." 

That one hurt a lot.  Why does fat automatically equal ugly?  Why can't it just be fat?  After all, I have such a pretty face...

The problem is, that I want to be seen, but I also don't want anyone to see me this way. 

(If it sounds crazy to you, welcome to my brain - it's like that all the time in here).

I want someone to see me, really see me.  I want someone to look right at me and see past all the fat, all the scars, and see the girl that I am inside.  I want them to see the wit, the humor, the sass. I want them to see the me that I have always been.

But I don't want anyone to see me this way.  To see what has become of that girl that I was. 

Knowing this about myself, knowing that I am the same girl I was behind this mask of fat, I have begun to try to see people as they are, not as they seem.  I try to notice when people are invisible, try to see past whatever they have on the outside.  I always introduce myself to wait staff at restaurants because they are the most invisible people on earth, in my opinion.  I try to smile at the cranky people.  I always thank a member of the military for their service.  I have begun to look with the intent to see. 

I know that I am much more than I appear to be, the size of my body does not affect the size of my spirit.  I try to remember that about others as well.

Which brings me to my fears, or at least my recent fears...

What if this is it?  What if I never find that man who will see past all this crap and see me?  What if it is my fate to remain invisible?  I don't know if I can handle that as I am not meant to be invisible. 

I have been talking to a man from another city and he seems wonderful.  We have talked about my weight and he has said all the right things, all the right ways.  But he isn't real yet, and he won't be until we meet in person.  When we text it can go on for hours and we have had some wonderful conversations on the phone. 

But my fear is... when we actually meet in person, what if he doesn't see me?

What if he takes one look at me and realizes that he just can't?

I like this man and I would like to know him. 

Some of my fears stem from a lack of communication between us - he is back in school and has finals - but most of it stems from experience.  It comes from the men I've met that start out with romantic intentions, who then turn right around and say, "I wish I could find a girl just like you." 

Well, there is only one girl just like me, she just happens to be fat. 


Right now I am just trying to contain my fear so that I don't project any of it onto this man, who seems really great.  But it's difficult.

As I stare at my phone and wait for a text or a call I feel like an idiot.  I feel like a teenager who doesn't know who she is yet, but just hopes that the boy will call. 

I know who I am.  I know where I've been.  I know where I want to go, I just don't want to go there alone.

And I'm so scared that he won't see me. 

It's fears like this that make me want to rage: against steroids, against illness, against myself.  It was I, after all, that allowed things to get this bad, that hid my head in the sand as my body warped into this thing it is now.

I'm just too tired to rage, though.  I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm sad.

But I remain oddly optimistic that this man will, somehow, see me.  That he is for real, that he is what he says, and that he wants me in spite of my fat. 

Only time will tell...

People are strange

I am now two weeks into this online dating experience, and there is one thing that I am now certain of...

People are strange.

I have broken down the defenses and gone on a date with a very, very weird man (see my last post for more on that wackadoo), but hey, I went on a date!  It has been a good, long while since I have been on a date... we're talking the beginning of my relationship with my ex, which was also a good, long while ago!... so just going on a date was a huge step for me.

I have been chatting/texting with a man from another city almost every day and he seems very nice!  We are making plans to try to meet in person, which still scares me a lot.

I mentioned to him that I am feeling this fear and he asked me to elaborate.  When I told him that I was afraid that my size would be an issue he said, "Size is NOT an issue with me."  Which made me relieved.

But I'm still scared. Because he hasn't actually seen me yet. What if my size is a size or two bigger than the size that is not a problem for him?  What if the size that is the not-a-problem size for him is waaaaay smaller than my size? What if... oh, hell, I could what if all day.

But I like him so far.  He doesn't seem as weird as the last guy.  So far.

And I am excited to meet him in person, even though I am so, so scared.

But I have promised myself that I will really try to experience this experience of online dating: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But people are strange.

I have had messages from several men that are just plain off-putting!

One guy wrote, "Do you enjoy submissive men, beautiful queen?"

No, "Hi!"  No, "I looked at your profile and I thought we might get along..."  Nothing.  Just, "Do you enjoy submissive men..."

I wanted to reply with, "No.  No I don't," but I didn't.  I just let him wonder.

I got a message from a woman stating, "I'm looking for fun."

Now, my profile clearly  states that I am looking for "men who like women" but this chick thought I might venture out, I guess. However, she didn't introduce herself, didn't say hi, just ... "looking for fun."  So... no response from me.

My favorite so far is perhaps the man from California who said, "Hello beautiful, voluptuous Katy, I want to know if you have very nice feet. :)"

Yeah.

I feel that my first clue that he was a bit odd was his screen name, which includes the phrase "footpamperer."

I wonder, though, what he expected to accomplish, what with him living in California and all.  But, hey, I guess a foot fetish knows no limits.

I am also getting a lot of men in their mid to late 20's reaching out to me!  I can't decide whether they are just really into older women, or if they think the fat chick might be an easy lay.

I haven't responded to any of them, mostly because I really don't want to feel that kind of insecurity with a new guy.  It's difficult enough to work up my courage to respond to these people, let alone meet any of them, without throwing a 15 year age gap into the mix with me as the older one. That's just a little too much "experience" in this experience for me.

But it is flattering to think that they might just like older women.

I am choosing not to surmise that they think I'm an easy target because I'm fat. Which, for me, is a very large step in the right direction.

So, for now, I shall continue to talk to the guy from another city and hope that he is for real.

And I will answer any men who leave me a message that consists of more than, "hey," or "sup."  I will, however, continue to ignore the ones that are creepy. I'm not willing to go down that road in any fashion.

And I have noticed a new confidence in my step lately.

I feel more like my old self than I have in years.  I am beginning to feel like the me that I was before I met my ex, before my confidence was ripped away by illness, before I got lost.

I have found myself flirting again.

When I got lost I stopped flirting, stopped acting like I could be a sexual or desired thing.  I just stopped.

Last week I found myself flirting again.  With a stranger.  And it felt great!

I've been flirting with the man from another city, but that fits in the it-might-not-be-real-because-we-have-never-met category so it doesn't really count.  This was actual flirting with a real, live man who was standing next to me!

So things are going well, all-in-all.

There has been some good (out-of-town guy), some bad (wackadoo guy), and some ugly (foot fetish guy).  But I am experiencing this experience!

And so far I am having a very good time.

But people are strange.