Lessons Learned

So... I met the man, and I learned a lot.

I was very nervous to meet this man that dared me to hope.  My roommate, who is adorably protective of me, wanted to be there so that he could shake this man's hand and look him in the eye.

About twenty minutes after meeting, the man excused himself to the bathroom.  My roommate looked at me, shook his head, and mouthed, "He's not the man for you."

Nodding, I said, "I know."

But he is a nice man.  A little crazy, but very nice.

As the date progressed this man got to talking.  We originally connected over our love of sci-fi/fantasy books and movies, but that is not what we talked about.  Or rather, not what he talked about.

He talked about religion.  He talked politics.  He talked social issues.  He talked global warming.

Now, I love talking about these things with people of all viewpoints.  I love to discuss differences and similarities, to try to convince someone to my way of thinking and to open my mind to theirs.  It can be a fascinating discussion, no matter the political leaning of the person I'm talking to.

I usually insist, however, that the person I'm talking to have some small grip on reality.

It turns out that he is a false-flag-birther-truther-Tea-Party-ultra-conspiracy-theory-global-warming-is-a-hoax-wacko.  He thinks that 9/11, Sandy Hook, The Boston Bombing, and Columbine were all government conspiracies.  He is not a person for discussions, only rants.

Anyone who knows me at all, knows that this is not the man for me.

But he is a nice man.

And it was nice to be kissed again (though badly).  It was nice to be held again.  It was nice to be looked at like a woman again. 

All-in-all it was a successful day for me on a personal level.  I didn't panic at all.  I was able to sit with this man, listen to his rants, and still enjoy the fact that I was on a date.  I allowed myself the experience and I allowed myself to be kissed (though badly). 

And I still have hope.

I also learned a lot about online dating.

I learned to look at every picture that someone has on their profile as they will tell you a lot!  I learned to not only read their profile, but to check the "details" page as well.  The "questions" page is also invaluable as it shows you how they answered certain personality questions as compared to your answers.

Had I really looked at this man's profile, really looked at his pictures, seen his "questions" page, I may have been prepared for some of the rants that I experienced, but I was too excited that someone was interested in me to really look. Then again, they were some fantastical rants and I'm not sure anyone is ever prepared for one of those.

(Also, men lie about their height).

But he is a nice man.

And so it continues...

I am currently having some very entertaining conversations with two men, one near and one far.  They seem very nice and I have looked at all their pictures, details, and questions, just to be prepared.

My insecurities are still rampant and I made sure both men are aware of my size.

One of them Googled me and told me he loves me (I think he found some Broadway Bares pictures which is hilarious).

The other man said, "I know and I want to kiss you.  Do you like tall, thin guys?"

So there is still hope.

I also learned more about what I want from this experience.

I learned that I don't have to settle, just because I'm fat.  I don't have to take whatever comes along because I may not get another one.  I want to be kissed, kissed well, and kissed often.  I want to be looked at like I am precious and important.  I want to be held by a man that makes me feel safe.

And I want to feel that spark, that thrill, when I look at him.

Clarifying what I want has also sparked another round of fear and insecurities.  Who am I to want such things?  Who am I to think that I can have them?  It sometimes seems that I gave away those options the moment I got fat, for who would ever want me?

But someone does.  This man wanted me.  There are two more that seem to want me.  And I continue to get messages from men who may want me.

So I have also learned to reclaim what I want.  I have learned to try to accept the fact that being fat does not negate me, does not define my parameters. I have learned that I am allowed to want these things and to go after them.  I am allowed to feel attractive and worthy.  I am allowed to be loved.

I'm trying to remember these things every day, to remind myself that I am allowed to be and want these things.  Every day.  Some days it sticks, some it doesn't, but I'm working on it.  It still makes me uncomfortable to want these things, for I still believe somewhere that I don't deserve them for the simple fact that I am fat. But I'm working on it.

Now, though, I have discovered a new fear...

What if I get what I want?