Baby Steps

Let me begin by saying that I am definitively plus-sized.


I haven't always been plus-sized , but this is where I am right now.

Definitively plus-sized.

I have spent far too long hiding from the world, running from people and things because I didn't want anyone to see me this way.  Which is ironic, really, because I'm an actor and in order to be an actor I need to be seen, but there you have it.  And still, I get hired at this weight, I get a ton of auditions at this weight, I am as happy as I can be at this weight, but still, I don't want to be seen at this weight.

And I haven't had a date in ten years.

Granted, I was hung up on an ex for quite a while, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I am plus-sized and the thinking that no one else would want me because of it.  But ten years is far too long.

Even when I was younger and thinner, I wasn't a big "dater."  Not a lot of men asked me out, and for many of those that did I was just too afraid to say yes.

But I'm tired now.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of being single.  I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of waiting. Waiting until I'm thinner.  Waiting until I'm ready.  Waiting until pigs fly.  I'm just tired.

And so I made a leap.  A huge leap of faith that has me shaking in my figurative boots.

I signed up for online dating sites.

I did it more for the karma than anything, thinking that this would be a way to attract "dating" energy in my real life.  Thinking that the energy alone was all I really needed.  I really didn't expect anyone to respond to my profile.  I mean, why would they with all the "beautiful" people filling up the pages and all the other options out there?

But I did it.  And it scares the shit out of me.

I started with a popular site, one that has tons of commercials on the air and has brand recognition.  I posted my picture and a few things about myself.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

About an hour later I got a "message" from someone.  And a few "likes" and "winks."  And then I got some more, which really freaked me out.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

It took me a few days to get up the courage to go back onto the site to read the messages and see who "winked" at me.  When I tried to click on the first message I discovered that the site wouldn't let me read it without signing up for too much money, which really pissed me off.  I don't really want to pay some website for the privilege of trussing myself up like a rotisserie chicken to be displayed on their online dating smorgasbord.  I'll do that for free, thank you very much.

So, with a slightly guilty feeling for not being able to respond to the men who messaged me on the first site, I settled my panic and tried again.

I chose another site that was also fairly well-known but (mostly) free and tried again.  Within hours I got several messages and "views" and began to freak out.  Again.  Then I cried and sent my best friend a panicky text.

As of this posting I have gotten up the nerve to respond to a few of the messages and to fill out my profile a bit more, but I am still seriously freaked out. 

Dating is a pain-in-the-ass without the added insecurity that being plus-sized brings to the table, but I'm going to give it a go.  Because I'm tired.

But, I don't want to do it alone, so I'm bringing you all with me.

As I travel this road of plus-sized, online dating I will write about it, laugh about it, panic about it, and really try to experience it (the fear will be there always, but I will try to curb the panic). 

And, if all the stars align, I will lose the fear, forgive the past, accept myself, and have a little fun.

Here we go...