Calm

He calms my fears.

I've been talking to this man for months now, he was one of the first people to reach out to me, in fact.  I love talking to him.

We often text all day long, back and forth for hours and hours. When we talk on the phone we spend most of the time laughing, sharing stories, talking about us.

It has been difficult for us to meet as he lives in another city, but we are going to meet very soon.  We have even talked out plans for how to keep our relationship alive once we do meet, how we will manage the distance.  He says that I'm worth it.

He scares the shit out of me, but for all the right reasons.

He also calms my fears in a way that no man ever has before.

I've been a little afraid to meet this man for he seems so right for me and I don't want him to see me like this.  I don't want him to see me fat.  I have shown him pictures of myself, so he knows that I am not one of those skinny girls, but still the fear remains.

The other day, though, I had a little incident at the store and when I reached out to him for comfort... he comforted me.  He said all the right things in all the right ways.  Then he called the next day to say them again, and to calm my fears even more!  He was amazing.

What happened was this: I was standing in line to pay for my lunch when a man came up very close behind me.  His head was suddenly near mine as he whispered in my ear, "You're really cute," in a low, rather skeevy voice.

"Thanks," I said as I stepped away a bit.

He stepped in closer and said, "You have great tits.  Can I see them?"

"Bite me," I said as I stepped away again.

"Can I bite them?" again placing himself far too close for comfort.

He continued to whisper increasingly disturbing things in my ear until I left the store and headed back to work.  He actually followed me to my building!  I walked in and went right to the doorman, who made sure this guy stayed outside.

Now, I have had some very scary moments with men on the streets of New York, especially when I was thin.  I have had men reach up my skirt, follow me home (or try to), try to pin me against a wall... some very scary moments.

Once I gained the weight those moments dissipated.  In my most sadistic, self-flagellating, emotional times I occasionally miss those moments.  Not the moments themselves, because many of them were very, very scary, but the attention from men.  I lost the attention of men when I got fat, and I miss it.

But then I grab the attention of men like the one the other day and I remember why I don't really miss that attention.  It's creepy.

I couldn't shake the oogy feeling that this guy left me with that day, so I shot a text to my guy.  I really wasn't expecting much, as my experience with situations like this come back to my ex, who really didn't do anything for me when these incidents occurred.  Without actually saying so, he would imply that it was my fault because of what I was wearing, or because I am "too open" with people.

So I wasn't really prepared for how this guy handled me. 

He was appropriately outraged, asked if I was OK, calmed me down a bit, and had me laughing within a few sentences.  He was perfect.

He asked how often things like this happen to me and I told him that it doesn't happen that often now that I'm heavy, but that when I was thin it was a huge issue for me. 

Then we started talking about my weight.

I have mentioned to him in the past that I am trying to lose weight (and have already lost some, but really, what woman isn't trying to lose weight) and he has been supportive of me as I am.  We got into the down and dirty of it this time, though, and I confessed that there is a certain level of fear for me that is associated with being thin.  Some very scary things happened to me because of what I looked like then.  I told him that I am determined to get that body back, or as close to it as I can, but that there will be times of fear from me.  I also told him that I have never really felt safe or protected out in the world of men, not even from the men that I've dated.

"I will always be here for you.  You are safe with me," he said. 

God, how I want to believe him.

I got quite emotional by the end of the evening and I wrote him a text promising him that I will lose weight, that I will overcome those fears, to please bear with me.  It was evident that I was a bit panicky.

He calmed me down again and told me not to worry.  I had a very restless and sleepless night that night. 

I awoke to a text the next morning calling me baby, and beautiful, and wishing me a wonderful day.

We spent the morning commute texting back and forth about inane things, making each other laugh, the events of the day before forgotten.

About an hour into my work day the phone rang and it was him!  I stepped away from my desk for a quick chat, a huge smile on my face.

"I want to put your fears at ease," he said.  "I'm not going anywhere."  He told me that he wants me as I am, that my being heavy is not a deal breaker for him.  "Some men like that in a woman. I am one of those men."

He also told me that if I want to lose weight, he would support me and motivate me, but that I should lose it for me, not for him.  The only reason he would want me to lose weight is because he wants me to be around for a long, long time, and losing the weight will help to ensure that.  "If you never lose weight, though," he said, "I'm not going anywhere.  I want you.  You're amazing."

I stood there for a moment, trying to suppress a sob.

"OK," was all I could muster.  Then we both laughed.

This man handled me.  He handled me well.  And, he calmed my fears.

I am trying very hard to remain somewhat detached from him, trying to keep my emotions in check, trying to be rational.  It's not working very well, but I'm trying.

My emotions rule me, as I've said before, and my emotions are all focused on him.  My rational mind (stop laughing) is telling me to hold back, to wait until we meet, to understand that this man may not be what he seems.  My rational mind is kind of a jerk.

My heart hopes that this man is what he says, is how he seems, is really mine as he says he his.  If he is half the man he seems to be I would be a lucky girl indeed.

I am crazy about this man.  My jerky rational mind is going to need to learn how to relax.  My fears are going to need to do some yoga or meditations.  This man makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world.

Maybe my ex was right, maybe I am "too open" with people.  But if the reward is the feeling I get from this man, then I wouldn't change a thing.

He is amazing.  He is the man who can calm my fears.

Differences

I have come to realize certain differences between the men that I've dated in the past and the men that I'm meeting now.  One man in particular.

Perhaps it is my attitude that has changed or shifted.  Perhaps I'm finally in a position to meet this kind of man.  Perhaps it has just taken me this long to realize that I deserve to be treated well.

In any case, there are very specific differences between my ex and these men.  This man, in particular.

My ex was very closed off emotionally.  I never knew what he was thinking, feeling.  I never knew how he really felt about me because he would say one thing and do the complete opposite.  Then he would make me feel guilty for being insecure, or for questioning, or getting angry.

The men that I've met recently are very open emotionally.  One might even say too open. 

I have had one declare his undying love for me from across the world.  He is traveling for business (supposedly - I've learned to take this type of thing with a grain of salt) and wrote me an email declaring his love, and planning our future together.  Seriously.  He planned our future together. 

I had another gaze lovingly into my eyes and say, "I'm in love with you."  On our third date.  Now, I can appreciate the possibility that his feelings are real, as I have fallen fast and hard in the past, but I knew better than to say anything so soon.  I mean... third date. 

I tend to think that these two men are more in love with the idea of me, the idea that they have found the woman of their dreams, than the actual me. 

It has been a very interesting experience having men say these things to me without causing serious panic on my part.  I have smiled and felt flattered.  I have felt a little creepy about it as well, don't get me wrong, but flattered nonetheless. 

In the eight years my ex and I were together he never once said, "I love you." He said, "You know how I feel about you."  In fact, I never knew how he felt because he never freaking told me, but that's another blog for another day.

These two men have said it multiple times already. 

But I don't feel this way for them.  I don't think that I can feel this way for them.  They are just not the men for me.

Which makes me wonder if this is how my ex felt all during our relationship?  Have I become him?  Did he feel flattered when I told him I loved him, all the while wondering how to avoid all topics that could lead to emotions?

I've tried to be upfront with these men, to let them know that I am seeing other people, that I am not where they are on the emotional scale.  But they are so in love with the idea of me that they aren't actually hearing me.  They aren't listening to me, just to their ideas.

This will be my first experience in breaking up with someone.  I hope that I can do it with much more compassion than the men of my past had with me.  I'm a little nervous, but it needs to be done.

Not because of how they feel, or think they feel, about me.  But because of how I feel about someone else.

He was one of the first men to reach out to me online.  We have been talking via phone and text for months now, learning about each other, our likes, dislikes, wishes, dreams, fears.  He lives in another city, but not one that is an insurmountable distance away. 

And he moves me. 

That happens very rarely in my life.  But he moves me.

I don't want to be tethered to anyone else until I can figure out if he is real, if he is true, and if we work.  I am trying to remain distanced, emotionally, but I am not that girl so it is difficult.  My emotions rule me, they always have, and trying to keep them at bay because my brain says to is crazy-making.

But I'm trying. 

This man tells me that I'm worth the work.  That I'm worth figuring out how to make the distance not seem so far. 

He tells me I'm a catch.

He calls me sweetheart.  He says, "Goodnight, baby."  He tells me that he is mine. 

He makes me feel that I am precious to him, that I am important.  He worries about me.  He thinks about me.  He moves me.

And he has never told me that he is in love with me.  Thankfully.  If he had I may have run away.  Because I have actual feelings for this guy.  What he thinks matters to me. 

My best friend thinks that the fact that he lives away, and that we have spent so much time talking before meeting, is probably the perfect thing for me.  That the amount of time we have had to spend talking has allowed me to wrap my brain around him, and my emotions, without making me panic.  Had he lived closer, or had we met sooner, I may have run away.  But I don't want to run away. 

My roommate is reserving judgement until he can meet this guy, can look him in the eyes.  But he is supportive and hopes that it could work for me.

This guy makes me giddy.

I am holding back from him, though, because I have been hurt before.  I have dated a man that says one thing and does another.  I have been burned and humiliated and I fear that he could do the same, especially as he lives so far away. 

He has asked me not to hold back, promised that he is true, but I am still afraid.  Not of him, or of how I feel, but of being played again. 

And I'm not used to these differences. 

My ex was cold, this guy is open and warm.  My ex was distant, this guy is right there.  My ex never expressed his emotions, this guy talks about them all the time, in a very sane and relaxed way.  My ex hated any kind of affection, this guy is all kinds of affectionate. 

My ex had a very benign nickname for me that had no emotional context.  This guy calls me baby.

Perhaps I am just ready, perhaps it just took the right man to show me, perhaps I should have had this all along. 

I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to hold my emotions in check with him, though.  My emotions rule me, I lead with them in all things, they live in the open.  He says he wants to know them, that he wants me to let go and not hold back anymore. 

My head is still in control, though, at least for now.  I love the differences between my past and this man.  I'm excited about him, and he seems excited about me.

I would choose him if my head would let me.

He moves me.

Breakdown

I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. 

I have been talking to a few men online and have met one of them in person (so far) and I just became completely overwhelmed.

There are two men that I am extremely interested in, one from another city and one much closer to home.  I've spoken to them on the phone or via FaceTime and I am excited to meet them in person, especially the one close to home. 

I've been messaging another man who is also very nice, and we have a lot in common, but we haven't met or spoken on the phone yet so I'm holding out a bit.

I've gone on a few dates with one man who is also very nice, but he reminds me too much of my college boyfriend so I'm not sure we are meant for many more dates.  But he's nice.

I've been casually chatting with a few others as well, but just casually. 

All of this manly attention has been excellent for my psyche, adding a spring to my step and random giggles throughout the day.

But it really hit me the other night - what am I doing?

These men couldn't possibly want me!  They haven't seen me, they don't really know what they're getting into.

And yet, most of them have indicated that they do.  Want me.  Seriously, want me. 

One of the men that I am casually conversing with (at least to me) has stated that he's already "falling in love with me."  Dude.  We haven't met yet. 

The one that I like that I am messaging back and forth with has also said that he wants to meet, and hopes that when we do we will commit to making it work between us.  Dude.  We. Haven't. Met. Yet.

The man from another city has also asked that I not "see" other people until we meet, hoping that when we do we will decide to be together and "that'll be it."  Seriously.  Dude. 

In a way I would like to believe that these men mean what they say, that they really do want me, like me, could fall for me.  A part of me needs to believe it, needs to think that I could be loved. 

But I haven't been loved in my life, not really.  I've been in love, and men have liked me a whole lot, but I have never really been loved.  I don't know what it's like to know, really know, that someone loves me.  That I am his, and he is mine.  I don't know how to even wrap my mind around what that could feel like. 

The majority of me thinks that these men must just be desperate and lonely.  Or that they are just bullshitting.  Or they think that these are the kinds of things that women want to hear.  These men couldn't possibly want me, not really.  Or if they do want me, even a little, then they will balk when they see me in person and it will all fall apart. 

But then again, the man that I've met has said these things to me as well.  He already talks of us as "seeing each other" and being together.  He has told me that he has refused dates with other women due to me.  He tells me that I'm hot.  That I'm awesome.  He tells me that he "loves almost everything about me."  That I'm special and that he's so happy we met.

He has seen me in person and still says these things.

He holds my hand and kisses me in public.  Even my ex never did that, which always made me feel that he was ashamed of me somehow.  This nice man, though, holds my hand.  He kisses me whenever he can.  What if he means it?

I want to believe. 

I brought up my weight to the man I like, the one I've been messaging with.  I told him that I am plus sized, that I'm working on it but this is the reality right now.  I told him that if this is a deal breaker for him I would understand, but I would be disappointed. 

He replied, "Awwww, why would that be a deal breaker? I can see that you are plus sized from your pictures, I already know.  Know this, I love you just the way you are. I want a pretty woman outside and much more on the inside." I really want to believe him, believe that he means what he says.  But what if he's just lonely?

The only man not saying these things to me is the one that I talk to via FaceTime.  He has seen me, at least on the small screen, and he wants to meet and hang out in person.  And, of course, he is the one that I am the most attracted to, the one I talk to with ease, who excites my intellect.  The one who is somewhat aloof.  The one trying to get me to come to him.  But what if he's really one of "those guys?"  What if he's really an ass?

But I keep talking to these men.  I keep chatting, keep messaging.  What am I doing?

I sat in my living room talking this through with my roommate, crying and crying. 

What if it's all lies?  What if it's all bullshit?  What if?  What if?  What if?

My roommate said all the right things in all the right ways, but I just kept going off the rails.

What if my man from out of town has created a new profile and one of the men I'm chatting with is really him in disguise?

"That's a different world from the one we're living in, Katy," said my roommate with a sly smile. 

He was right, but I was overwhelmed and losing it. 

"Katy, you are meant to be loved. You deserve to be loved.  You will be loved."  I love my roommate. His words sent me into deeper sobs, because I really want to believe him but I'm terrified to believe him.

I'm so afraid to put myself in a position, by believing one of these men, to have my heart broken again. 

But I'm more afraid not to. 

I want to know what it's like to be loved.  Really loved.  To be his. 

The confidence I've regained recently from talking to these men, flirting with these men, being kissed, has been so wonderful.  It has invaded my daily life and people are noticing, which is ... interesting. 

Then I go to the really bad place where I think that these men may really mean what they say, but that they will run for the hills when they actually see me.  That the plus size they are comfortable with is less plus than my plus.  That they will see me and realize that they just can't.

Or worse, that they are fine with my wrecked body, but it's me that they can't deal with once we meet in person. 

Or worse yet, that they still want me, no matter my body, no matter how plus is the plus of my plus.  What if all that they have said is true and now it's up to me?  What if I can't let myself be loved out of habit?  What if, after all of this, what if what it comes down to is that I am unlovable?

I told you... off the rails.

Toward the end of my crying at my roommate I started to feel guilty.  What if these men are true, that they mean what they say, and they are not really the men for me?  Am I keeping them from their true match just because I enjoy the attention?  Am I a horrible person for wanting to keep chatting with them, seeing them, knowing it probably won't lead anywhere?

I finally calmed down, dried my tears, regained my sanity.

I woke the next day contemplative and quiet.  I hadn't really spoken to any of the men the day of my breakdown, and I missed a few of them, and I was a little sad.  Also a little convinced that they had all changed their minds, but that was mostly because I had gone a little crazy the night before. 

That morning, however, I heard from my man from out of town. First thing in the morning.  We had a nice little text chat. 

I also heard from the messaging man that I like first thing in the morning.  Also throughout the day and into the night. 

While chatting with him one of the casual chatting men contacted me. 

Then I got a call from the man that kisses me.  While I was messaging with the man that I like. 

Ten minutes after that call ended the man that I really like called me via FaceTime.

My evening ended after that call with two very sweet good-night-sleep-tight-dream-good-dreams messages from these other men. 

They had all reached out to me on the same day, most of them within an hour and a half of each other.

Who am I?

I sent a text to my best friend this morning saying, "I think I'm a little in over my head with this whole dating thing."

She talked me through it and vetoed a few of the men on principle. 

My roommate says, "It's called dating - you get to know each other and figure out if you work.  And you're allowed to date more than one person at a time!"

My best friend says, "Straight, non-actor boys like naked women, all naked women, they DO NOT CARE about the dumb things we obsess over... You are Katy-fing-Grenfell!"

I really, really want to believe them.  I also want to believe these men.  And I want to stop being afraid, stop obsessing over the fact that I'm fat and that these men may not want me because of it. 

I need to try to remember that I am Katy-fing-Grenfell! 

Dammit.

And I need to remember to be brave. 

I am a little impressed with myself, though, that it has taken this long to have a full-on breakdown.  I expected myself to have one a lot sooner than this.

And I will remember to breathe.  Breathe.  Freakin' breathe, dammit!!!!

See, I had a bit of a breakdown the other night...

Desperate

Dating can suck.

We all know this, but we put ourselves out there anyway in the hopes of finding our match, our partner, our love.

But dating can suck.

When I first began this adventure I was certain that no one would respond to me, mostly due to my size.  I thought that no man would want me, that this online experience would mimic my real life experience.  I was prepared to be left alone.

But I haven't been left alone.

At first I responded to any man that sent me a message, thinking that I would be tempting fate, or jinxing this amazing luck if I didn't, no matter how odd the guy seemed.

I have learned to be more discerning.

I'm not sure if the men that I am chatting with are extremely desperate, or if I am just that awesome (ha!), but these men are desperate.

I have had more than a few men jump right to some very straightforward sex talk, asking for naked pictures and sending some themselves.  Now, I am a fan of sex, don't get me wrong, but I'm not just looking to hook up with random men for a fling here and there.

I can appreciate their straightforwardness because I at least know exactly what they want (and I mean exactly).  But that's just not me.

Mostly, though, I seem to be dealing with men who are desperate for a woman.

I have had two men ask me, in all seriousness, to move in with them: one on our first and only date, the other I haven't even met yet!

I have had a man I haven't met tell me that he wants to spend time with me forever.

One guy started planning the wedding after six sentences.  Six!  Marriage!  I am not a mail order bride, thank you very much.

Several of them have said, "I feel like I've known you forever," after only chatting for a little while online.

It's crazy.

Many of the men who are looking for more than sex ask right away if I am interested in marriage and kids.  It's a bit refreshing, actually, because at least we know where we stand on those issues from the get go.

That's not to mention the men that I've actually met.

I have gone on dates with two men so far, one was icky and the other very nice, though not the man for me.

The first man I met for dinner at a local diner.  The pictures he had posted online were at least 15 years old as he looked nothing like them anymore.  He asked me to move in with him within twenty minutes of meeting him.  Seriously.  Twenty minutes.

My roommate and I now call him the Icky Tickler because at the end of the date he asked if he could take me home, tie me up, and tickle me while he pleasured himself.

Yup.

I also went out with a very nice man who seems awfully excited about us.  He told me, on our second date, that when a friend wanted to set him up with a woman he said, "Thanks, but I'm seeing someone."  That was very sweet, really, but we've only been on two dates.  Let's not get hasty.

I am still chatting with the man from another city, though the prospects seem slim for us as we live so far away from each other, but we'll see.

I met a man the other day that I have been talking to quite a bit.  He is in the military and is currently deployed overseas, which may give us plenty of time to get to know each other prior to meeting.  Or it could just be a great friendship that develops.  Who knows.  But I'll keep chatting with him.

I have also been chatting with a younger man.  A much younger man.  He seems very nice, and very accomplished, and we get along well.  We've talked on the phone a few times.

I think we are going to meet today and hang out for a bit.  Who knows, it could be fun.  And I might like the title Cougar.  I'll meet him and see.

I still feel the need, even though you can tell from my pictures, to tell these men that I am plus sized at the beginning lest there be some misunderstanding.

I'm still terrified of all of this.

But I'm doing it!

And I will no longer respond to every man that sends me a message, just because they reached out.  I am learning that I can still be picky, still be choosy, even though I'm fat.  I don't have to take whatever comes along.  I can have the men that I want, not just men that want me.

I am worthy of the right man, not just any man.

But that scares me a little as well.  Finding worth in myself where I didn't think there was any to be had, where I thought the fat negated worth, is scary, mostly because it is liberating.

I feel sexy again, not because these men seem to be attracted to me, but because I am worthy of their attraction.

I feel confident again, I feel worth the effort.

I am worth the effort.

I am determined to continue this adventure, no matter the men that come along, because somewhere in the world is the right man for me.  I know this now.

I just need to be patient.  We'll find each other, somehow.

Because we are both worthy of it.