Men

I've now had a profile on an online dating site for about five days and I'm still pretty terrified, but I've learned a few things.

Dating is different now than it was when I was younger.  I'm not sure if it's the technology or the fact that we (the men and I) are older now, or a combination of the two, but dating is different now.

First of all, men are very forward.  I mean, very forward.

They know exactly what they want and aren't afraid of telling you.

I've had an offer to be trained as a submissive from a guy in another city - that was his first communication.

A second guy offered to "introduce me to my love of pain" with a lot of descriptive explaining as to the how.  It was kind of hilarious and also scary.  I didn't respond to him.

Men reach out with their first message to tell you what they want, what they can give, what they expect, and they ask for your honesty in response.  They expect you to be able to tell them what you want, what you can give, what you expect.  All up front.

In a way it's refreshing - there isn't a lot of wasted time wondering about a person, wondering if you're compatible.  You don't have to wait until the fifth date to discover that you both want very different things and are unwilling to compromise about them.

It's also terrifying.  I've sent several texts to my best friend asking "What am I doing?" because I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't really know what I want except that I want to flirt again, I want to feel pretty again, I want a manly presence in my life.  I want to feel a man's arms around me and to feel safe with them there.  I really didn't expect this response or these questions and it's overwhelming.  And sometimes hilarious.  And sometimes it's really, really terrifying, in the way that makes you giddy.

It started off very innocently: a discussion about books.  I list a few of my favorite books on my profile and he mentioned that he has read one of them in his message.  We spent several back-and-forth communiques talking about the book, the author, the sequels.  Then we started talking about other books, favorite authors, interesting series.  I love books and can talk about them with anyone who will sit still long enough (most people don't sit still long enough) so this was the perfect introduction for me.

He told me what he does for a living.  We talked video games and board games.  He asked how tall I am.  He has asked a myriad of other questions as well, and he keeps telling me that he thinks I'm hot.

Then he asked to meet me.

What the hell am I doing?

Then again, this is the whole point, right?  To actually go on a date, to actually meet men.  But I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't really know what the protocols are for this, if there is a way we are supposed to chat, an acceptable "wait time" for meeting someone.  I asked my roommate to explain it all to me as he understands this world far better than I.  He was very helpful, but it is so staggering.

And still this man is sending texts. He texts me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I've been so far removed from the world of romance that I don't even know if that's normal.

We have made plans to meet, which scares the shit out of me. 

It wasn't supposed to happen this fast.  I wasn't supposed to meet someone that I connect with this quickly. I was supposed to have more time to prepare.

The banter is great, but as we continue to get to know each other my panic is on the rise.  As we keep chatting and he keeps flirting, I begin to realize that he may not really have the measure of me, that he may not realize that I am a plus-sized girl.  I mean, you can tell by my picture that I'm not skinny, but he may not realize how really not-skinny I am.

I began to seriously panic.  I am very interested in this man but the fear began to overwhelm me as I don't want to see the look on his face when he sees me and realizes that he can't be attracted to me.  That he can't be with someone that is plus-sized (or at least as plus-sized as I am).

With my heart breaking in anticipation I sent him a text.

"Can I have a moment of vulnerability?"

He said yes so I sent, "I just want to make sure that you are aware that I am a plus-sized girl - I'm not a skinny little thing. I would just hate for there to have been a misunderstanding there."

Then I waited.  And I held my breath.

"That's no worries for me. No issues, hun."

A sob that I didn't realize was there escaped me as I cried.  A lot.

This man, this person that found me in the ether and reached out to me, this man has dared me to hope.

I really thought that this part of my life might be over, than no man would ever want me because I'm fat.  I've become accustomed to being alone, to being single.  I'm used to being the person that isn't seen, that's invisible to the opposite sex in that way.

Then he said that he had no issues and I began to hope.

And hope is a dangerous thing.

I'm still terrified, but in that giddy way.

For the first time in a long, long time, I'm going on a date.  And I'm going to try very hard not to cry.