A few weeks ago I did something that, for me, was a little bit brave. It was a bit of a turning point as well, a turning point in the way that I think about myself, the way that I view myself.
I changed my profile picture on Facebook.
I know that many of you are thinking, "How on earth does that make you brave?" because it is seemingly an innocuous thing. But for me, it was a little bit brave.
The picture that I had been using as my profile picture was "old" me. Pre-illness me. The me that I was before I was broken.
The lie that I told myself was that I wanted a daily reminder of the girl that I was trying to get back to, the girl I was trying to be again. That audacious, outgoing, flirty, sassy girl.
The truth was that I didn't want people to see me as I am, only as I was. The people I grew up with, the people I rarely see, the people I never see ... I wanted them to remember me as I had been.
I have been telling myself for so long that I want to get back to that girl, to be her again. I've chastised myself at every turn for not being able to be her again, for not being able to find that part of me. I've been angry, and sad, and hurt that she has been lost to me.
I've been yearning for someone who will see me, really see me, and all the while I was trying to hide. How could someone else see me when I couldn't even see myself?
I realized a long while ago that I don't actually want to be that girl again. She was great, don't get me wrong, but she was a bit of an idiot. She spent a lot of time doing what she was "supposed" to do, searching for what she was "supposed" to like, being what she was "supposed" to be. Looking back I can see exactly why happiness held only surface value for her, why she chose the wrong things, why no one saw her. She was so concerned with the "supposed" to that the "actually want" went unrecognized.
And she did it in all things.
I don't want to be that girl anymore.
I no longer want to keep doing what I've always done just because I once wanted to do it. Things change, wants change, needs change. I've changed.
Over that past year I have been recognizing, finally, things that I want, actually want. I've been noticing the things that I used to say that I wanted because I was "supposed" to want them, and realizing that I really don't want them. Probably never really did.
I chose a career that I love, still love, for the most part. But different aspects of my career have taken the focus from my original love, and that's OK. I had a moment a few months ago where I realized that my love had changed and I grieved. But then I celebrated, because I realized that something else makes me happier, something else makes me float. I don't have to do what I've always done, just because I've always done it. I can evolve into something new. And I have.
I have had a habit in my life of putting my focus on one thing, and then sticking to that one thing even after it proves to be other than what I want. I stick because I'm "supposed" to.
I'm done with that now.
I changed my picture to one that looks like me as I am because I want to be seen as I am, scary as that is. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to be me.
I am still outgoing, just nicer about it. I am flirty. I'm very sassy. And I'm still audacious. But I'm also a whole lot more, and I like who I am now.
I've been through some ups and downs with this process, sticking to something out of habit, but for the most part...
I see me. Finally.
And because I see me, someone else does too.
It's a little bit awkward writing about him here because I know that he will read this (hi, hot stuff!), but I won't say anything that I haven't already said to him, so I should be OK.
See, I met a man. He looks at me and sees. And I see him back.
I fell for him when he took me to a bookstore, though I didn't realize it until much later. He makes me giddy. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh.
His world is ... complicated, which makes this adventure with him less than simple, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not sure exactly how I fit into his world, but I'm also not sure that I need to know that yet. We've been seeing each other for a little over three months, so we have time to figure those things out.
I see him as he is. He is open and honest with me, which can be terrifying at times but is so refreshing!
The more this man looks at me and sees, the more I want to see myself. As I am, not as I was. And the more I want to see him, too. I want to see all the sides of him, even the weird ones and the cranky ones, because together they make him. And he is amazing.
I wasn't expecting him. I wasn't prepared for him. But man am I glad I found him.
So a few weeks ago I changed my profile picture. It was a long overdue step in this process of self-acceptance, but that's OK. The world can see me as I am, finally.
Because I can see myself now.
And I see him.
