Calm

He calms my fears.

I've been talking to this man for months now, he was one of the first people to reach out to me, in fact.  I love talking to him.

We often text all day long, back and forth for hours and hours. When we talk on the phone we spend most of the time laughing, sharing stories, talking about us.

It has been difficult for us to meet as he lives in another city, but we are going to meet very soon.  We have even talked out plans for how to keep our relationship alive once we do meet, how we will manage the distance.  He says that I'm worth it.

He scares the shit out of me, but for all the right reasons.

He also calms my fears in a way that no man ever has before.

I've been a little afraid to meet this man for he seems so right for me and I don't want him to see me like this.  I don't want him to see me fat.  I have shown him pictures of myself, so he knows that I am not one of those skinny girls, but still the fear remains.

The other day, though, I had a little incident at the store and when I reached out to him for comfort... he comforted me.  He said all the right things in all the right ways.  Then he called the next day to say them again, and to calm my fears even more!  He was amazing.

What happened was this: I was standing in line to pay for my lunch when a man came up very close behind me.  His head was suddenly near mine as he whispered in my ear, "You're really cute," in a low, rather skeevy voice.

"Thanks," I said as I stepped away a bit.

He stepped in closer and said, "You have great tits.  Can I see them?"

"Bite me," I said as I stepped away again.

"Can I bite them?" again placing himself far too close for comfort.

He continued to whisper increasingly disturbing things in my ear until I left the store and headed back to work.  He actually followed me to my building!  I walked in and went right to the doorman, who made sure this guy stayed outside.

Now, I have had some very scary moments with men on the streets of New York, especially when I was thin.  I have had men reach up my skirt, follow me home (or try to), try to pin me against a wall... some very scary moments.

Once I gained the weight those moments dissipated.  In my most sadistic, self-flagellating, emotional times I occasionally miss those moments.  Not the moments themselves, because many of them were very, very scary, but the attention from men.  I lost the attention of men when I got fat, and I miss it.

But then I grab the attention of men like the one the other day and I remember why I don't really miss that attention.  It's creepy.

I couldn't shake the oogy feeling that this guy left me with that day, so I shot a text to my guy.  I really wasn't expecting much, as my experience with situations like this come back to my ex, who really didn't do anything for me when these incidents occurred.  Without actually saying so, he would imply that it was my fault because of what I was wearing, or because I am "too open" with people.

So I wasn't really prepared for how this guy handled me. 

He was appropriately outraged, asked if I was OK, calmed me down a bit, and had me laughing within a few sentences.  He was perfect.

He asked how often things like this happen to me and I told him that it doesn't happen that often now that I'm heavy, but that when I was thin it was a huge issue for me. 

Then we started talking about my weight.

I have mentioned to him in the past that I am trying to lose weight (and have already lost some, but really, what woman isn't trying to lose weight) and he has been supportive of me as I am.  We got into the down and dirty of it this time, though, and I confessed that there is a certain level of fear for me that is associated with being thin.  Some very scary things happened to me because of what I looked like then.  I told him that I am determined to get that body back, or as close to it as I can, but that there will be times of fear from me.  I also told him that I have never really felt safe or protected out in the world of men, not even from the men that I've dated.

"I will always be here for you.  You are safe with me," he said. 

God, how I want to believe him.

I got quite emotional by the end of the evening and I wrote him a text promising him that I will lose weight, that I will overcome those fears, to please bear with me.  It was evident that I was a bit panicky.

He calmed me down again and told me not to worry.  I had a very restless and sleepless night that night. 

I awoke to a text the next morning calling me baby, and beautiful, and wishing me a wonderful day.

We spent the morning commute texting back and forth about inane things, making each other laugh, the events of the day before forgotten.

About an hour into my work day the phone rang and it was him!  I stepped away from my desk for a quick chat, a huge smile on my face.

"I want to put your fears at ease," he said.  "I'm not going anywhere."  He told me that he wants me as I am, that my being heavy is not a deal breaker for him.  "Some men like that in a woman. I am one of those men."

He also told me that if I want to lose weight, he would support me and motivate me, but that I should lose it for me, not for him.  The only reason he would want me to lose weight is because he wants me to be around for a long, long time, and losing the weight will help to ensure that.  "If you never lose weight, though," he said, "I'm not going anywhere.  I want you.  You're amazing."

I stood there for a moment, trying to suppress a sob.

"OK," was all I could muster.  Then we both laughed.

This man handled me.  He handled me well.  And, he calmed my fears.

I am trying very hard to remain somewhat detached from him, trying to keep my emotions in check, trying to be rational.  It's not working very well, but I'm trying.

My emotions rule me, as I've said before, and my emotions are all focused on him.  My rational mind (stop laughing) is telling me to hold back, to wait until we meet, to understand that this man may not be what he seems.  My rational mind is kind of a jerk.

My heart hopes that this man is what he says, is how he seems, is really mine as he says he his.  If he is half the man he seems to be I would be a lucky girl indeed.

I am crazy about this man.  My jerky rational mind is going to need to learn how to relax.  My fears are going to need to do some yoga or meditations.  This man makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world.

Maybe my ex was right, maybe I am "too open" with people.  But if the reward is the feeling I get from this man, then I wouldn't change a thing.

He is amazing.  He is the man who can calm my fears.