Desperate

Dating can suck.

We all know this, but we put ourselves out there anyway in the hopes of finding our match, our partner, our love.

But dating can suck.

When I first began this adventure I was certain that no one would respond to me, mostly due to my size.  I thought that no man would want me, that this online experience would mimic my real life experience.  I was prepared to be left alone.

But I haven't been left alone.

At first I responded to any man that sent me a message, thinking that I would be tempting fate, or jinxing this amazing luck if I didn't, no matter how odd the guy seemed.

I have learned to be more discerning.

I'm not sure if the men that I am chatting with are extremely desperate, or if I am just that awesome (ha!), but these men are desperate.

I have had more than a few men jump right to some very straightforward sex talk, asking for naked pictures and sending some themselves.  Now, I am a fan of sex, don't get me wrong, but I'm not just looking to hook up with random men for a fling here and there.

I can appreciate their straightforwardness because I at least know exactly what they want (and I mean exactly).  But that's just not me.

Mostly, though, I seem to be dealing with men who are desperate for a woman.

I have had two men ask me, in all seriousness, to move in with them: one on our first and only date, the other I haven't even met yet!

I have had a man I haven't met tell me that he wants to spend time with me forever.

One guy started planning the wedding after six sentences.  Six!  Marriage!  I am not a mail order bride, thank you very much.

Several of them have said, "I feel like I've known you forever," after only chatting for a little while online.

It's crazy.

Many of the men who are looking for more than sex ask right away if I am interested in marriage and kids.  It's a bit refreshing, actually, because at least we know where we stand on those issues from the get go.

That's not to mention the men that I've actually met.

I have gone on dates with two men so far, one was icky and the other very nice, though not the man for me.

The first man I met for dinner at a local diner.  The pictures he had posted online were at least 15 years old as he looked nothing like them anymore.  He asked me to move in with him within twenty minutes of meeting him.  Seriously.  Twenty minutes.

My roommate and I now call him the Icky Tickler because at the end of the date he asked if he could take me home, tie me up, and tickle me while he pleasured himself.

Yup.

I also went out with a very nice man who seems awfully excited about us.  He told me, on our second date, that when a friend wanted to set him up with a woman he said, "Thanks, but I'm seeing someone."  That was very sweet, really, but we've only been on two dates.  Let's not get hasty.

I am still chatting with the man from another city, though the prospects seem slim for us as we live so far away from each other, but we'll see.

I met a man the other day that I have been talking to quite a bit.  He is in the military and is currently deployed overseas, which may give us plenty of time to get to know each other prior to meeting.  Or it could just be a great friendship that develops.  Who knows.  But I'll keep chatting with him.

I have also been chatting with a younger man.  A much younger man.  He seems very nice, and very accomplished, and we get along well.  We've talked on the phone a few times.

I think we are going to meet today and hang out for a bit.  Who knows, it could be fun.  And I might like the title Cougar.  I'll meet him and see.

I still feel the need, even though you can tell from my pictures, to tell these men that I am plus sized at the beginning lest there be some misunderstanding.

I'm still terrified of all of this.

But I'm doing it!

And I will no longer respond to every man that sends me a message, just because they reached out.  I am learning that I can still be picky, still be choosy, even though I'm fat.  I don't have to take whatever comes along.  I can have the men that I want, not just men that want me.

I am worthy of the right man, not just any man.

But that scares me a little as well.  Finding worth in myself where I didn't think there was any to be had, where I thought the fat negated worth, is scary, mostly because it is liberating.

I feel sexy again, not because these men seem to be attracted to me, but because I am worthy of their attraction.

I feel confident again, I feel worth the effort.

I am worth the effort.

I am determined to continue this adventure, no matter the men that come along, because somewhere in the world is the right man for me.  I know this now.

I just need to be patient.  We'll find each other, somehow.

Because we are both worthy of it.