Differences

I have come to realize certain differences between the men that I've dated in the past and the men that I'm meeting now.  One man in particular.

Perhaps it is my attitude that has changed or shifted.  Perhaps I'm finally in a position to meet this kind of man.  Perhaps it has just taken me this long to realize that I deserve to be treated well.

In any case, there are very specific differences between my ex and these men.  This man, in particular.

My ex was very closed off emotionally.  I never knew what he was thinking, feeling.  I never knew how he really felt about me because he would say one thing and do the complete opposite.  Then he would make me feel guilty for being insecure, or for questioning, or getting angry.

The men that I've met recently are very open emotionally.  One might even say too open. 

I have had one declare his undying love for me from across the world.  He is traveling for business (supposedly - I've learned to take this type of thing with a grain of salt) and wrote me an email declaring his love, and planning our future together.  Seriously.  He planned our future together. 

I had another gaze lovingly into my eyes and say, "I'm in love with you."  On our third date.  Now, I can appreciate the possibility that his feelings are real, as I have fallen fast and hard in the past, but I knew better than to say anything so soon.  I mean... third date. 

I tend to think that these two men are more in love with the idea of me, the idea that they have found the woman of their dreams, than the actual me. 

It has been a very interesting experience having men say these things to me without causing serious panic on my part.  I have smiled and felt flattered.  I have felt a little creepy about it as well, don't get me wrong, but flattered nonetheless. 

In the eight years my ex and I were together he never once said, "I love you." He said, "You know how I feel about you."  In fact, I never knew how he felt because he never freaking told me, but that's another blog for another day.

These two men have said it multiple times already. 

But I don't feel this way for them.  I don't think that I can feel this way for them.  They are just not the men for me.

Which makes me wonder if this is how my ex felt all during our relationship?  Have I become him?  Did he feel flattered when I told him I loved him, all the while wondering how to avoid all topics that could lead to emotions?

I've tried to be upfront with these men, to let them know that I am seeing other people, that I am not where they are on the emotional scale.  But they are so in love with the idea of me that they aren't actually hearing me.  They aren't listening to me, just to their ideas.

This will be my first experience in breaking up with someone.  I hope that I can do it with much more compassion than the men of my past had with me.  I'm a little nervous, but it needs to be done.

Not because of how they feel, or think they feel, about me.  But because of how I feel about someone else.

He was one of the first men to reach out to me online.  We have been talking via phone and text for months now, learning about each other, our likes, dislikes, wishes, dreams, fears.  He lives in another city, but not one that is an insurmountable distance away. 

And he moves me. 

That happens very rarely in my life.  But he moves me.

I don't want to be tethered to anyone else until I can figure out if he is real, if he is true, and if we work.  I am trying to remain distanced, emotionally, but I am not that girl so it is difficult.  My emotions rule me, they always have, and trying to keep them at bay because my brain says to is crazy-making.

But I'm trying. 

This man tells me that I'm worth the work.  That I'm worth figuring out how to make the distance not seem so far. 

He tells me I'm a catch.

He calls me sweetheart.  He says, "Goodnight, baby."  He tells me that he is mine. 

He makes me feel that I am precious to him, that I am important.  He worries about me.  He thinks about me.  He moves me.

And he has never told me that he is in love with me.  Thankfully.  If he had I may have run away.  Because I have actual feelings for this guy.  What he thinks matters to me. 

My best friend thinks that the fact that he lives away, and that we have spent so much time talking before meeting, is probably the perfect thing for me.  That the amount of time we have had to spend talking has allowed me to wrap my brain around him, and my emotions, without making me panic.  Had he lived closer, or had we met sooner, I may have run away.  But I don't want to run away. 

My roommate is reserving judgement until he can meet this guy, can look him in the eyes.  But he is supportive and hopes that it could work for me.

This guy makes me giddy.

I am holding back from him, though, because I have been hurt before.  I have dated a man that says one thing and does another.  I have been burned and humiliated and I fear that he could do the same, especially as he lives so far away. 

He has asked me not to hold back, promised that he is true, but I am still afraid.  Not of him, or of how I feel, but of being played again. 

And I'm not used to these differences. 

My ex was cold, this guy is open and warm.  My ex was distant, this guy is right there.  My ex never expressed his emotions, this guy talks about them all the time, in a very sane and relaxed way.  My ex hated any kind of affection, this guy is all kinds of affectionate. 

My ex had a very benign nickname for me that had no emotional context.  This guy calls me baby.

Perhaps I am just ready, perhaps it just took the right man to show me, perhaps I should have had this all along. 

I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to hold my emotions in check with him, though.  My emotions rule me, I lead with them in all things, they live in the open.  He says he wants to know them, that he wants me to let go and not hold back anymore. 

My head is still in control, though, at least for now.  I love the differences between my past and this man.  I'm excited about him, and he seems excited about me.

I would choose him if my head would let me.

He moves me.