Justice

I have been preoccupied with justice lately. 

Not legal justice, or any kind of tangible equality, but rather things that are just. 

Because things are not just, not equitable. And it's upsetting.

In my attempt to open my heart to new adventures, to attempt to find love in this body, I have had to reconcile a lot of things.  For example, the person that people see in their mind when they meet me over the Internet or talk to me on the phone is hugely different than the person they see when they meet me in person. They can't imagine that my body looks the way it does because I am "so cool."  I am now prepared for that look in their eyes when they realize that, yes, I am the same girl.

Part of the reason for that is that I'm a pretty awesome person, if I do say so myself.  On paper, I am the perfect girlfriend: funny, loves sports, sexy, open, honest, laid back.  In reality, all of those perfect aspects come in a plus sized package, which automatically disqualifies me in the eyes of many when it comes to dating. Which is a shame.

I have found this man from another city who loves the me that I am on paper, and on the phone.  He loves talking to me, chatting with me, texting... I'm terrified that when we finally meet he will see the package and decide otherwise.  He assures me that he isn't going anywhere no matter what, but I still have that fear.

And I am completely preoccupied with this fear.  I shouldn't fear this!

I am a good person.  I look around the world and see so many good people!  All of us single, alone. 

And then I look around the world and see so many assholes, all of them married, loved.

And it's not just!

This is not to say that every married person is an asshole, or that all good people are single, by any means - I am only speaking of a percentage of the population, but still!

How is it that the jerk I used to work with, who is a horrible person, really... just horrible... has a man who loves and dotes on her?  She is mean, selfish, rude, and he adores her.

How is it that my dear friend, who is amazing and gorgeous, generous, funny... how is it that he is still single?  Where is the man to dote on him?

My friend deserves to be loved.  I deserve to be loved.  So why has the Universe conspired to keep us wanting?

I get angry when I see my friends, my amazing friends who are all good people, that are single and lonely. 

I get angrier when I see narcissists, egomaniacs, cheaters, liars... just assholes in general, all with loving, adoring partners.

Then I get sad.  Truly, hopelessly sad, when I realize that I am without that partner. 

It's not just.

If the world were just my gorgeous, generous friend would have a man that adores him.  My friends, good people all, would love and be loved in return.  I would love and be loved. And you know what?  Even the assholes would be loved!  Because everyone deserves to know what that feels like, to know what it is to be truly loved.

On my worst days I wonder if I do actually deserve it.  If maybe I've done something in my life that negated my chance at love.  That maybe I'm really a horrible, awful person that no one could possibly feel that emotion for.  On these days I call my best friend who bitch slaps me from Georgia, which I appreciate.  Or I cry at my roommate who reminds me that everyone deserves love, and that I am a part of the everyone.

Once I stop crying, though, I get angry again.  Because everyone does deserve love, dammit!  Even me. 

My heart is with the man from out of town, though my frustrations abound that he is so far away.  Perhaps, if things progress and we continue to feel this way something can be done about that.  Until then, though, I will try to curb the fear and insecurities about us.  I will continue to get giddy at the sound of his voice.  I will continue to learn him, and to teach myself to him. 

I will continue to work on my body, and my body image (which are two very different things, with very different points of view), and will continue to fight the good fight where they are concerned.

I will also continue to get angry about the injustice where love is concerned.  Because everyone deserves to be loved.  Good people, mean people, narcissistic people, self righteous people, wing-nuts, bizarre people, fat people, thin people, Christians, Atheists, Muslims, Jewish people, old people, young people, crazy people, introverts, extroverts, actors, writers, accountants... We are all a part of the everyone, and everyone deserves to be loved.

Everyone.

Dammit.