I'm better now, and he has worked very hard to keep me in his life, so he gets one mulligan. He gets that one terrible reaction.
Now, I know that I am an extremely forgiving person (my best friend would say that I am way too forgiving, but I'm OK with that), and he really did react badly, but I'm giving him this one. We have spent a lot of time discussing what happened and why, how his reaction affected me, and why it will never happen again. We slowed way down, he's been working his ass off, so I have decided to give him another chance. Of all the men I've met and/or talked to, he is the one that I click with the most, so I'm going to take the gamble.
Life is more fun when you take chances on people.
I was a little trepidatious about explaining my forgiveness, but it's who I am.
But that's not really what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about clothes.
The weather is getting warmer and the clothes are getting smaller. For a girl like me, that is usually a terrifying notion. I don't want to show any more of my body than I have to, I don't want to make other people have to look at my body like that. It's just not fair to them, I mean, I don't have to look at me all day, other people do. It's OK if I'm miserable and hot so long as they don't have to look at my body, right? It's OK if I feel like shit in an outfit I don't like so that other people are spared the sight of my fat, right? It's OK for me to hide my personality in all black clothes on the hottest of days so that other people don't catch a glimpse of my displeasing form... right?
(Can you see the sarcasm dripping?)
In the last several months I have had a spring to my step, a light in my smile, mostly due to this online dating experiment. The men that I've met have all liked me in spite of my body, wanted to kiss me, hang out with me, play with me, even though my body is what it is, which is fat. A few of them even want me for all of me, my body included, which freaks me out a bit.
This new springiness and lightness have brought with them a girlishness as well. I am suddenly wearing heels again. I am wearing skirts (skirts I tell you!) and short ones! I have nice pants and cleavage bearing shirts. I am dressing like a girl and I like how it makes me feel. I feel pretty. I feel deserving. I feel ... like me.
At least until I get on Facebook.
Then I feel like shit.
I see pictures like this one...
... which make me think that maybe I shouldn't be wearing skirts. I mean, I don't have the body I want, I have the body I have. So I guess that when it's hot I should cover my legs so as not to offend other people. Right?
I constantly see posts calling out fat women for wearing Yoga pants or sleeveless shirts. What if that is the only thing that woman can wear? What if that outfit makes her feel fabulous? What if that woman was feeling like crap today and just wanted to chill in her Yoga pants while running errands? What if she is on her way to the gym for her daily workout/torture session, that she is doing her damnedest to improve her body, all unbeknownst to the random Facebook user who was offended that she dared wear Yoga pants outdoors?
And let's talk about the gym posts! Do you have any idea what it's like to be fat and walk into a gym? To be that brave? To face the eye rolling, scoffing, disgusted looks, and "helpful" suggestions on how to lose the weight from people you've never met before, and have probably never had a weight issue in their lives? Do you have any idea what it takes to do that?
I see posts every day on Facebook about some fat person at the gym (how dare they be fat at the gym!) on a treadmill in front of the Facebook poster, forcing the poster to look at their fat ass while running. Or, even worse, those who post a picture of someone at the gym, some random person doing their workout, trying to get healthy, who had the audacity to be fat at the gym, or to wear an outfit that was displeasing to the picture taker. What if that person in the all purple sweat suit loves purple, if purple makes them feel amazing, if wearing that all purple sweat suit is the thing that gets them through the workout? We all have that outfit, the one that makes us feel fabulous, or motivates us. We've all worn it. Hell, we've all worn it out of the house! That purple person probably knows they look a bit like Barney, but if that's what it takes to get them to the gym...
I see so many posts by obviously perfect people concerning the outfits or physique of someone fat or ridiculous in their perfect eyes. Those perfect people are so offended by fat people, ugly people, ungroomed people, that they feel the need to publicly shame them on Facebook. But because they don't actually know the object of their ridicule it can seem anonymous somehow.
And they don't know those people. They don't know their story. They don't know whether the object of ridicule just went through a massive illness that left them fat and scared. They don't know if the object just had some surgery that will force them into Yoga pants for a while. They don't know if the object just lost 60 pounds and is feeling amazing and proud, only to face their rolling eyes and awful Facebook posts. They just assume that the objects are lazy or stupid. They just assume that the object should should know better. But they don't know those people. They don't know.
But they do know me. Many of these same people who complain about fat people and lazy people, that bitch about someone's outfit or having to look at someone's icky body at the gym, those same people tell me I'm beautiful. They tell me that they love me, that I'm awesome. That I'm their favorite.
How can I possibly believe them?
How can I believe that if I suddenly decide to be brave enough to go to a gym that I won't end up a picture on their Facebook wall, pointing and laughing at the fat girl? How can I believe that when they ridicule fat people for wearing too little clothing that they don't actually mean me? How can I believe anything they say to me?
I mean it... how?
Because I don't believe them. If I have ever seen a post like that on someone's Facebook wall I assume that those are their true feelings about me, even if the post doesn't pertain to me. I assume that, when they are disgusted by fat people, they are also disgusted by me.
Because, guess what? I'm fat.
If you are a member of the Beautiful People, the Magazine People, the Fashion People, it doesn't give you the right to dictate what the rest of us can and can't wear or do. I'm sorry to break it to you.
If you're offended by my fat, don't look at it. If you're offended by my outfit, don't look at it. If you're offended that I am at your gym, don't go there.
I know I'm fat. You don't have to remind me. Everyone who is fat already knows it.
Posting about it on Facebook in order to make yourself feel better only serves to make you look like an asshole.
Everyone is only trying to get through the day in their own, individual way. Let them.
I feel great nowadays. I'm losing weight, wearing skirts, strutting in heels, and I like it. I'm far from where I'd like to be, but I'm here now, and I like me. All those Facebook posts from the Beautiful People only serve to make me never want to leave the house.
Because the crux of it all is that I'm still the me that I've always been, I'm just a well insulated me now. But if all you can see is the fat, then you are missing out on the person beneath. And it's a shame, because I kinda rock.
And if you are one of those perfect people who like to post on Facebook about the awful, Yoga-pant-wearing, heel-strutting, gym-going, "fatties" out there, then you should know that I will never believe another word you say to me about how much you like me, admire me, whatever.
And it's a shame.
Sorry, I got a little ranty there, but it is ridiculous. My people, my fellow "fatties" as others like to call us, should be able to wear whatever the hell we want to when we leave the house without the fear of ending up a meme on someone's Facebook wall. We should be able to go to the gym without fear of someone posting about the "fatty" on the next machine, or how they had to follow the "fatty" in their circuit. Because the gym is the place where we "fatties" are supposed to go in order to become a "thinny" right? I mean, isn't that the goal? Isn't that what all the complaining is about, that there are too many "fatties" out there ruining your view?
There are days that I just don't want to leave the house because I can't take the ridicule anymore. But there are other days that I just want to put on my short skirt, my high heels, and skip to work singing "Kiss my fat ass" all the way there.
Obviously today is one of the latter.
I implore you, though, to please think about what you post on your Facebook wall. If you are complaining about us "fatties" you'd better make sure that no one you love is one of us, because I guarantee you they are taking it personally. They aren't saying to themselves, "Well, I'm sure they mean everyone but me." They know that you are talking about them, and it hurts. And they won't believe you anymore when you tell them that you love them.
They just won't.
No comments:
Post a Comment