Scratch

Last Friday was the first official day of Spring and it snowed.

It snowed a lot, actually.  Several inches of snow were dumped on my life both actually and metaphorically.

See, on Friday everything fell apart and I have to start from scratch.

The fact that it snowed on the first day of Spring and the last day of my relationship with the man from another city is ironic, actually. He and I have been (supposedly) trying to meet for more than a month now, but each weekend his city was blanketed with several feet of snow.  Sometimes more than several feet.

It was basically Snowmageddon up there making travel all but impossible and postponing our meeting again and again.

It was verifiable and everything.  I couldn't blame him for not coming down amidst the white-out, nor could I be expected to go up there.  So we settled for talking on the phone and texting every day.  Neither of us were happy about it, or so it seemed, but it was our only option.

Or so it seemed.

Then, last Friday, the first day of Spring, the day when there were no more obstacles, he was going to come visiting.  Originally we were supposed to meet the weekend before but something happened and we didn't.  I told my best friend that if he and I didn't meet this week I was ending it.  I told her this before he bailed on the first scheduled meeting last weekend.  I informed her that if he and I didn't connect last week that I would be calling her, quite probably in hysterics, quite probably furious, be prepared.

I had a feeling.

He and I had made solid plans for Friday, the first day of Spring.  He was coming to New York both to visit a friend and to meet me.  In person.  For real.  No foolin'.

Ha.

The day began with texts about how excited he was to meet me, he couldn't wait to kiss me, he was going to leave around 1:00.  Then he texted, "I'm so sorry that we couldn't meet last weekend.  I hope nothing else happens."

Huh.  What an odd thing to say.   

My immediate thought was, "Yeah, he's not coming."

What I said was, "The only thing that's going to happen is that you are going to get in your car, drive to New York, and meet me."

He sent me a text at 1:00 to say that he was leaving.

At around 2:30 I received a, "Hey, watchadoing?" text.

Here it comes...

"I just got pulled over, ostensibly for speeding.  He's running my plates now."

Uh-huh.

Then I got an onslaught of texts: "I can't wait to meet you."  "I'm crazy about you."  "I've never felt this way about any woman, ever."  "I really feel in my heart that we are soul mates and will be in love for life."  Blah, blah, blah.

Then, "OMG!  You won't believe this!" he texted.  He proceeded to tell me that he has an outstanding ticket from eight years ago that has gone to warrant.  Because he was more than 50 miles from home they weren't going to tow his car, but he had to promise to go right to a courthouse and pay it or else.

Uh-huh.

I told him to call me when he got back on the road.  I knew he wasn't coming and was just playing along at this point.  I wanted to see how far it would go.

At around 6:30 he sent another text saying he paid everything but that it was going to take up to 36 hours to clear the system so he couldn't leave the state.  Then he suggested that I come to him, meet him half-way, or "maybe most of the way," and we could spend time together.

Nope.

I then asked him a question.  I should have asked this question months ago, but he got the benefit of the doubt due to the aforementioned Snowmageddon.  I've been wanting to ask him this question for a few weeks, regardless of the weather.  But I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

"Do you have a secret that is keeping us from meeting?  Some big thing that you're hiding? Has it been more than just random happenstance that has been keeping us apart?  Are you married?  Are you really a woman?"

That last part was tossed in there to try to add some levity to the moment.  He didn't get it.

He replied with, "Am I really a woman?  You are REALLY F*%$ED IN THE HEAD!"

Huh.

"It was an attempt at humor in an otherwise terrifying question.  Do you have a secret?"

"And how am I supposed to be perpetuating this alleged secret?  Am I supposed to be just stringing you along, manipulating your feelings, coming up with elaborate hoaxes to dash your hopes and break your heart?"

Well... since you spelled it out so nicely...

"I appreciate that you think this of me after so much time," he texted, "I don't want an apology so don't even say it."

Funny, I didn't apologize.  Wasn't even thinking of apologizing.  I wasn't wrong for asking the question.

"You impugned my integrity.  The damage has been done," he sent.

Yes, I'd say it has.

I sent a quick text to my best friend who promptly called me.

There were tears.  Lots of tears.  And a lot of feeling stupid.  He and I had been talking for months now, getting along so very well, how could I not have seen it?  How could I not have known that it was all bullshit?

My roommate said, "Mother Nature was on his side!  If there hadn't been so much snow you would have figured this out months ago!"

I think Mother Nature was on MY side, keeping me away from this man on purpose. 

My best friend let me cry, reminded me of all the good I got out of this relationship (if we can even call it that).  He made me feel good about myself.  He let me feel pretty.  He let me feel wanted.

I feel like an asshole, mostly because it was my ex all over again.  Blaming me for asking a very real and warranted question.  Getting defensive and trying to make me feel bad when they were in the wrong.

An innocent person responds to something like that by saying, "No.  No secret. Just bad timing."

A guilty person responds with accusations and anger.

He never did answer the question, by the way.  Which is telling.

I decided to allow myself to be sad on Saturday.  I would sit at home, watch TV, do whatever, and be sad.  I was going to stop being sad on Sunday.  Dammit.

Then, Saturday night I received some more texts.  Never a phone call, mind you, only texts.

"It's obviously late and we haven't spoken or texted... I'm still upset by yesterday, as I'm sure you are but for different reasons.  I don't know what I want or where we're going... I know you were very upset and disappointed... as was I.  It didn't justify the things you said or the accusations you made. And I saw a side of you that I didn't know existed and I didn't like very much."

Really...

I didn't reply.  I made no accusations, simply asked a question.  A long overdue question.  One I have yet to get an answer to.

I continued my sad day, unhindered.

I awoke on Sunday to the following message: "I want your thoughts on where we go from here... And unlike yesterday, I expect and require responses to these texts."

Really...

So I thought about it for about twenty seconds then replied, "I saw a side of you that I don't like.  I've been nothing but patient and understanding these last months, but there comes a time where patience becomes gullibility.  A man who truly wants to be with me would move heaven and earth to do so, just as I would have done to be with you.  Instead you blew me off at every turn. You got me to fall for you... but you've lost me, and I'm heartbroken."

"Good bye.  Pictures will be deleted.  We are done."  That's it.  Not even a little bit of fight, just done.

Yes, I'd say we are.

So, I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.  Again.

I'd say I dodged a bullet, but I just feel like an asshole.

I feel like an asshole for believing him.  I feel like an asshole for wanting to believe him. I feel like an asshole for allowing it to continue for so long (my only justification is Snowmageddon, but still).  I feel like an asshole for falling for my ex all over again.  I also feel like an asshole for spending such time and energy on someone who, when it came down to the wire, didn't fight for me at all.  Not even a little.

I basically just feel like an asshole.

But I'm done being sad.

My best friend thinks he's married.  My roommate thinks hes a dick.  My father thinks he's a predator.

I just think he's done, at least as far as I am concerned.

Also, I feel relieved.

I'm glad I found out this way rather than in person.  I'm glad I found out now rather than later.  I'm glad I found out that I'm still attracting men like this so that I can be on the lookout as I move on.  I had thought that I'd have grown out of it by now.

I'm glad that I wasn't deeply invested before he showed this side of him.

I'm not glad, however, that I have to start from scratch.

Again.

But I will.

And I will be triumphant.

Dammit.

Right now, though, I'm just sad.